Muh gurl un me lulz

Muh’s back agin mofo. Yo.

Because of my multi-talented nature I’ve been trying my hand at podgecasting over at lithevideo as SirHirecarDude. Heh, it took some muti-national big-hitting dicussions to get me on that site as I’m a big fatso but as I promised to slim down and tone up they’ll give me a free account. You know me, can talk my way into all sort of situations then I just leave the country at the first sign of trouble.

I’m currently based in Malaga, working on my latest film, The Return Of The Strife and Crimes of Duncan Mitty . This time, Tom Cruise has agreed to play me and Madonna will reprise the role of herself.

The film will be around 20 seconds long as anything longer can really tax my brain. I don’t have much time do do such things because of work commitments (peace envoy in Darfur, Max Mosley’s PR man etc. etc.) so I’m getting someone to help me out. There’s bound to be a member of my extended family that I can pay in cash to be a total mug. There’s never been a shortage before.

This film will be out sometime in the future and I’m sure it will top the box office charts because I’m a natural born winner coupled with my previous experience as the World’s Number One VIP Boutros Boutros-Ghali Blog owner will come to the fore when I’m schmoozing Steven Spielberg and Warren Beatty. You know, I was talking to Steven earlier this week and he wants me to work on E.T 2 as script editor. He says I have the most overactive imagination he’s ever encountered and I could bring a lot to his scripts. I had to turn him down because of my other commitments and businesses and UN peace envoy role and other altruistic projects I have simmering. He said he’ll call me every day to see when I’m free. He thinks the production values on my podgecasts are top notch. He’s a great fan of how I manage to fill the whole screen with my head even though it’s in widescreen aspect ratio.

So, yeh, next week is going to be very busy for me. I need to find a new team manager for a new project of mine and interviews are taking place on Wednesday afternoon and Thursday morning. He will be based in Hollywood to work for one of the film studios I own there. The problem is, I’m such a great and all round good person I hate rejecting people so I’ll have to employ everyone that comes to interview. As I said, I’m such a nice person. Let me just reiterate, I’m an absolutely fantastic person. Don’t believe what other people say on the interweb even when they have evidence that’s as plain as day. Oh no, I’m a great person. I was only joking about being an Anglophile, I hate England and their tax men and authorities. That’s why I’m on the run in Spain and away from my medication.

Anyway, as I was saying. I’m a top person and I really like to have an input in my multi-billion pound projects and the type of person we hire. I have my own recruitment agency and access to the the CVs on the FBI files (me and J Edgar Hoover go back a long way). I have total faith in the people I hire (because he’s my step-brother and my mum will kill me) but I prefer to take the helicopter view on such matters then pick the low hanging fruit with my blue-sky thinking. Dangerous work, I think you’ll agree.

Next week I will definitely be travelling overseas, I’m visiting all the main continents of the world to look at some properties and hopefully I’ll be able to pack a bit of fun into the trip by buying a sports car at each destination and ship them back to my 1 bed appartment in Malaga. I’ll be taking my submarine, helicopter, yacht, 60 inch plasma TV x 10, 17 laptops, a small nuclear power station and a BBC outside broadcast unit. I’m not sure what the internet access will be like so, last week, I launched my own Dunkbird III satellite which will beam live pictures of me drinking cider and eating pies 24/7 from all corners of the globe.

In between this, muh chunky gurl and hur kidz, yo dude, lulz, ha been stokin wi the bro. Respec’. Dis 33 yo fat wigga hittin back at yo. I hav da picturez and everyfin, mofo.

I hope to rearrange a trip to Saturn later in the year but it might have to wait until the financial accounts of Mitty Inc have been audited sometime in Q2 2009. I may also have to do a bunk and leave Spain if I’ve wasted the tax or the Spanish authorities get on to me.

So, I think you’ll all agree my fun-packed life is as good as ever.

To all the haterz out there. I love what you’re doing, you’re giving me great publicity for my multi-national companies. Nothing could please me more than having my every delusion tracked by hundreds of people who see through my facade. You can tell by the expression on my face I absolutely love it.

When I threaten to take people out with a glass bottle that’s my way of showing how much I love it and I’m not contradicting myself. I’m really clever, you don’t understand. To prove how clever I am, I’m going to buy another plasma TV and tell you all about it.

Ed: Keeping my integrity

After recently spending thousands of pounds travelling to New York to stand next to Boutros and have my picture taken I feel somewhat aggrieved that some members and former members (banned) (the sad ******) have taken it upon themselves to question how much of their money I’ve been squandering on these pathetic publicity stunts that drum up little support for the site and make me look like a desperate dickhead clinging on to every last breath of life in my blog.

I’ve decided to listen to my members, not the (members) former banned (the sad ********), and delete Boutros Boutro-Ghali’s account from my blog to, erm, allow me to be impartial in my future dealings with the world of Boutros, yeh. Yeh, exactly that. Nothing else, seen it all before mate, 10 years of internet presence, ruining this site for years, mate.

Banned members (former) (the sad ********) will tell you that this situation, in fact, has been instigated by them and will be the start of legal proceedings to stop me misrepresenting my relationship with Mr Boutro-Ghali. I can categorically say that I was deleting the account and removing all references to Boutros before the letter arrived anyway. Also, I have been spending time trawling through all the blog comments to remove any references to Boutros there too. Phew, I reckon I’m off the hook on this one.

I’d like to point out that anyone who signed up for the Gold Blog 4.3 on the basis that Boutros would read all your messages, as I said he had an account, is a complete numpty. It was obvious I was joking around, I like to be controversial. All that stuff I made up about the painter at the UN building, hahaha, you didn’t believe it did you? Hahahahahaha. Well, no one would believe that’s why you signed up so don’t go giving any evidence to anyone instigating legal proceedings whatever you do or you’ll look a bit silly. I’m not bothered, me, not for my sake, I don’t want you to look silly, that’s all, yeh. That’s it. We’re all family, you wouldn’t dob in one of your own would you? Sign up for the Gold Blog 4.3.

My recent purchase of www.boutrosboutrosghali.com has also been misconstrued as me trying to create a link between myself and Boutros. I can categorically say that isn’t the case and to prove it I’ve used WhoisGuard and changed the registration a number of times in the past few weeks. So I can’t possibly be squatting, can I?

So, to remain impartial, I’ve decided not to refer to my regular meetings with Boutros any further and impart any juicy information I may have on his current search for a succesor to Dick Clownberger Jr.

Other News

 

In a recent meeting with a certain Mr BBG  he was telling me how he thought the UN was run as a joke. For more, sign up to the Gold Blog 4.3. He doesn’t rate Mr Clownberger and I’ve had enough DIRECT feedback from my own deluded mind (not a third party hallucination) to determine he could be retained in the same capacity or asked to move on. If it isn’t the former it will most likely be the latter but my source at the UN says it will almost certainly be one of the two options on the table at the moment.

Talking of options on the table, me mam has just brought me some deep fried cream cakes and extra whipped cream. Yum. Thanks mam.

Obviously, he could be retained and there could be key appointments under different titles to avoid sacking Dick. Sign up to the Gold Blog 4.3 to be the first to know when I’ve read the appointments on the official UN site and try to make a desperate link between them.

I was recently contacted by Bill Gates DIRECTLY to act a go-between to put him and Mr BBG  in touch. Obviously, I immediately dropped Mr BBG  a quick message on his MSN Messenger account to tell him “Bl G8s wnts 2 cht 2u, m8″. Whether anything comes of it, I have no idea. But you can read all my supposition on the Gold Blog 4.3.

Now, I can’t say Dick Clownberger Jr will be moved on but I haven’t seen Mr BBG  saying that he will be kept on either. From my meetings with Mr BBG  I’ve seen his private face and I know he wants to move him on or keep him in the same capacity. You’ll be glad to know, Mr BBG  has my backing but I know the faces everyone is seeing are purely PR faces. So, erm, yeh. PR faces. It’s odd that the public would only see Public Relations people but my source says something is going on benhind the scenes.

I might lose my knees on this one but I know Bill Gates is in the running along with a NATO guy, a ICI guy and so on but I can’t tell you who will get the job. What you’ll have to do is keep an eye on the latest appointments in key areas at the UN, then ask me if it’s him and I’ll tell you if it’s the guy I knew about before you did but wont tell you at this moment.

Now, I can tell you this person will most likely he a human. I can see someone in a suit or, perhaps, casual clothing. He/she will almost certainly be wearing clothes. This person will most likely be pencilled in to take on the role at some point in the future or might possibly already be in the role. It is very unlikely he/she was in the role in the past and has now been moved on.  Now, I might get into trouble here but I’m 99.9% certain, 24/7, that this person has a vowel in his name unless he’s Finnish or Arabian. I can also tell you the person is aged between 0 and 200 unless he/she isn’t born yet or one of the oldest people in the world.

I think I’ve told you enough to see who it is. Don’t worry, I’ll be the first to let you know when the appointment is made public and tell you I knew all along.

Sign up for the latest Hot Mr BBG  Action at the Gold Blog 4.3. Only £30 per year or £60 if I can cram in two PayPal subscriptions. See all my latest fun-packed, KFC-eating holiday videos spending your money 24/7 99.9% of the time.

Ed: I’m going off on one again.

Before signing off I’d like to rant about the campaign that’s been running against the blog but mainly myself, I mean my whole innocent family, since last summer. Thousands of Boutros fans have been targeting my family with facts and questions about me since then. Someone (the sad ******) is behind this and some other people too. Obviously, I’m aware of who this someone is as they have contacted me from a fourth dimension trying to come to a financial arrangement for it to stop and, erm, trying to kill me really badly, yeh. That offer has been rejected so I expect them to continue printing the facts on their blog. I could have accepted the offer, obviously, but decided I’m more of man than that. They’re really bad people and I’m dead nice. If anyone knows who these bloggers are, please let me know as I’m fed up of reading their blog.

OH SHIT

Erm,  don’t go looking for their blog whatever you do. I’d be really stupid to advertise their blog on here as I’m in the shit big time if you read it and cancel your donations.

SYMPATHY AND AN ATTEMPT AT DEFLECTING BLAME FROM MYSELF

I’m a morbidly obese loser with personality disorders – that’s f***ing true I hear you say! I’m no angel and I’ve made some mistakes but I generally try to keep hold of any money pilfered until legal action is threatened. I can look after myself, providing I keep getting the benefits and the oxygen mask is working, but I think it’s a bit sad that these people (I know who they are) – who claim to be Boutros fans – have started dragging my family (Derekanna aged 58, Demi aged 12 and K3V mental age 3) into their fact printing. I’d never, ever exploit my children in any way and you can see the latest video of my daughter saying as much, beamed down direct from my own satellite station: MiTV, every half hour.

MORE SHITE AND MORE DEFLECTING BLAME FROM MYSELF WITH SOME FAMILY REFERENCES THROWN IN FOR GOOD MEASURE

I continually ask them to stop publishing facts on their blog as it’s harming my income stream. Can you ask them for me, obviously I know who they are and where they live but I’d prefer you to do it for me as my mum is dead busy at the moment. They published the address of one of my houses (I’ve got loads and loads of them) on the internet and it really upset my youngest son because he thought those internet bloggers were coming to get me. It makes me sick. You can see his distressed face on the latest episode of The Strife and Crimes of Duncan Mitty (MiTV 9.30). Please donate more money, I’m innocent I tell ya, innocent. I can barely make ends meet, please donate more. Think of the children!

DEFIANT STANCE AND LOSING IT AT THE END

Don’t worry about these former (members) banned (the sad ****) I’m not going to stop blogging because of these sad lion tamers, trapeze artistes and tightrope walkers (with the help of a few clowns). I’m stubbornly hanging on until the lawyers, police and taxmen get hold of me. I’ve seen it all before, 10 years of internet presence, billions of members, 99.9% signing up every day, two vans, Glenn Hoddle’s bungalow, yeh, help me.

MORE DEFIANCE AND AN ATTEMPT TO GET SOME MORE DONATIONS

We chose to lock down all the comments, require a donation, stop any references to other blogs and stop members from interacting with each other as it means I can keep the truth from everyone. Sure, I can’t have advertising too but I can make a few more quid this way. Anyone who doesn’t like the blog is always free to ask for their membership to be cancelled but I’ll put up a fight and only cancel one of the two paypal payments I managed to set up when having the Gold Blog 3.0 and Blog Insider 1.7 set up. Thankfully, millions of members renew every day because I have a program which creates fake usernames in a jiffy and I love raking it in by infringing copyright and blatantly steal from other sites. If that doesn’t work I just make it all up and put Ed: in front of it. Easy peasy.

I’VE GONE THROUGH THIS ROUTINE SO MUCH I’M STARTING TO BELIEVE IT MYSELF – IT MUST BE THE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS – ARE PEOPLE REALLY STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THIS FESTERING BULLSHIT?

Both myself and K3V put ourselves on MiTV for a bit of a laugh, the kids don’t know any better so I can take advantage of them. We can handle it all but please leave my family out of it. See what I did there? I’m trying to garner sympathy by making out my family are being targeted by nasty bloggers. Will the more gullible please post some nice comments saying how hard done to I am please. That normally gets me a renewal or two and I’m absolutely skint at the moment. I just can’t believe that any educated, decent Boutros fans would condone such behaviour.

SOME HONESTY

If someone really wants to be suckered into fantasies and false claims then this is the blog for you! I want the gullbile on there, just accept what you read as fact, that would be nice. You can donate as much as you want to my pie and beer fund.

OBTUSE DEFIANCE

No matter what campaigns are run against me personally or my blog, you’ll never discourage me from ruining the site on my own. I’ve conned quite a few people along the way but I’d con them all again without a second thought. That’s just the way I am, I’m a sociopath and mover and shaker in the world of Blog writing as you can see.

CONTRADICTIONS GALORE

I love Boutros, it’s my life. Also, I have no other skills and could barely pass a GCSE in English as you can well read so I’m clinging on the this crap for as long as I can. I do have a very active imagination though. Some people have said I’m a mindless cunt hiding behind a computer and a PO Box address. I don’t need to use false aliases any more because I’ve left so many trails to my true identity on the internet it’s not worth the bother. I hide behind false addresses but I’m a tad dim so didn’t realise you can just contact the Royal Mail to get the real address behind a PO Box with a phone call or an email. Damn them. That’s ok because I’ve used my family’s address, I don’t give a shit about them as long as no one can find me, great eh? I let my mum answer the door and she just says I’m out.

BULLSHIT

You’ll have seen some of the stuff aimed against us, some’s funny, some’s not. But you won’t have seen the stuff that they’ve been doing offline. Neither have I, to be honest, because I’m making it all up.

PLAYING THE I’M A NICE GUY/YOU’RE PART OF THE FAMILY CARD

I don’t like commenting about it but I feel I need to do vent my splein at regular intervals because the net it closing in and I might just get a few more donations on the sympathy vote before I go into hiding. I shall make a vow to not comment about it again until the next time I comment about it. And that’s a promise because we’re all family. As long as you keep paying the donations, that is. Otherwise I’ll get the hitman on to you. Or my mum.

GARNERING SYMPATHY

I feel I have to do it because having spent the last 13 months with Nobby, my horse, Hilda my next door neighbour’s aunt’s cousin second removed who are both extremely ill. They’ve both developed hearing problems recently, I noticed, as I was whingeing about my blog and I think they both slipped into a coma 4 hours into listening to how hard done to I am.

CONVERTING SYMPATHY TO DONATIONS

Times are hard, I’ve sold my Mercedes to buy an old Transit Van and I’ve spent a lot more money travelling over to New York with my mum and K3V to meet Boutros. I managed to get a picture with him and obviously we had a meeting for many days but decided I wouldn’t show the whole video of the meeting so as not to break the secrecy pact I had with Boutros. I have a picture of me standing next to him outside the office with my mum though. Some of the information he gave to me is highly secret so it can only be read on the Gold Blog 3.0 FREE to paying donators.

WORLD’S NO1 VIP BOUTROS BLOG ON THE INTERNET

While I was over there I managed to find a cure for cancer, devise a way of achieving world peace for less than 6p a day, met some Aliens near Area 51 and had a few KFC Bargain Buckets. Obviously I can’t give any more details as I wouldn’t want to upset the World Economy but you can read more about it on the Gold Blog 3.0 if you’re a VIP.

DRUG INDUCED SELF-ESTEEM

Much to my chagrin, people saw through my attempts to hide my face on the MiTV BlogCasts so I’ve had to show my obese bloated fat-festooned lardy pumpkin HUGE F*****G FAT BOUNCY CASTLE OF A FACE on the latest episodes to try and achieve a bit of credibility. Now they’re all saying I wish I’d hidden my ugly balloonesque mug as they’re puking up all over the show, yeh. So I have put up a small fight. Expect loads of my face on the internet in the near future as I chase around after people and pretend I’m associated with them.

SPECIAL OFFER

As a special offer to all the DME family, sign up once within the next 30 days and I’ll take two donations from your PayPal account! YES, double charge you at no extra cost to me! I’ll also throw in a copy of my Duncan Mitty – My Life Story DVD (Johnny Depp playing me, Boutros played by Jimmy Nail, Madonna herself and Ray Mears played by Adrian Chiles). And as an extra special offer I’ll send you a birthday card providing you give me your real address (Note: Hitman may hunt you down and kill you in event of breaking AUP or, even worse, my mum may phone you)

Sign up for the Gold Blog 3.0 here. Loads of shit-packed, moronic, fabricated news and views all from your favourite Obesemeister and fake aliases. See me spending your hard-earned cash on travelling the world and standing next to important people. See me trying to stitch up famous people on my latest videos. If you can’t understand that I’m pissing your donations away on this feeble crap then this is the Blog for you.

Second DMEmobile in doubt

I don’t know why I bother, I’m in a right state this morning, yeh.

My horse, Nobby, is figthing for his life at a local vet’s surgery

There was a bizarre accident at DME HQ where I got my bloated head stuck up Nobby’s arse while looking for my contact lens. I managed to break free after a few hours but Nobby’s sphincter was the size of the Mersey Tunnel afterwards.

As we were taking Nobby to the ambulance on a strectcher, Pickfords, who were delivering my new grand piano, managed to drop it from the 7th floor window directly on to him. We cleared the debris, strapped him up and carried on.

To make matters even worse, K3V, who was parachute jumping while holding an anvil and a medicine ball, managed to crash through the roof of the ambulance as we pulled away causing no end of damage to poor old Nobby.

We extracted the anvil and struggled on. As were were driving to the surgery we managed to crash into a wall. Local kids (the sad *******) had painted a fake tunnel entrance on it which looked real until we ploughed into it at 70mph with all the lights flashing and everything.

Stunned, we managed to prise Nobby away from the dashboard and clear the bricks from the interior. After that we got moving again only for all four wheels to simultaneously fall off followed by an explosion in the engine bay which caused all the doors to blow off and Nobby’s eyebrows to be singed irreparably.

Little did we know at the time, the explosion had dislodged a 4 billion ton boulder from the local mountain range which was rolling down the road at breakneck speed and promptly squashed poor Nobby as flat as a Panasonic 42″ Plasma telly (I should know, I have 17 of them) in front of our eyes.

We pushed the boulder off Nobby, scraped him back onto the stretcher and hailed a taxi to take us the rest of the way. As we rushed into the surgery foyer, all of Nobby’s teeth were knocked out by an ironing board that some idiot had left hanging out from the wall.

He was then dropped down a laundry chute by accident after someone had swapped the theatre and laundry signs. This incident was made even worse by the fact he dropped into an open sewer manhole cover in the basement and was washed out to sea.

He was then caught in the propellers of a local trawler which threw his battered body onto the beach where we later found him and took him to the vet again.

Needless to say, plans for the second DMEmobile have been put on hold until all this gets sorted out.

The good news is that I found my contact lens, it was in my eye all the time, lol.

Sign up for the Gold Blog 2.0 here. Loads of fun-packed, informative sob-stories created as required by my active imagination.

New stuff, new plans and my chubby fingered salute.

A Veiled Fret

John Simpson of the BBC gave me a tip recently when, over tea at me mams (tinned peaches and evap for afters, yum), he was telling me how he managed to wander around deepest Afghanistan without being noticed. We had deep fried battered snickers bars with loads of ketchup for the main course, thanks mam.

So I’ve decided I’m donning a Burqa just like John. I got a great deal where I buy two burqas and get a discount or £85,000. I really wanted a green (I usually hate my greens as they have no fat in them but I thought I’d start being healthy) one but would have to wait until April and I want to crack on and leave the house occasionally without fear of being noticed.

 

Look, former banned members and banned former members (the sad ******), I’m not hiding my morbidly obese body in some sort of bizarre self-delusional episode, I’m doing this so I can wander around deepest Wallsend without being noticed by the feds or ex-DME subscribers. I’m leaving my bloated fingers and chubby cheeks on show, that proves I’m not crippled by a sense of self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy perpetuated by a domineering mother since my wife left me. I’m not paranoid either.

They’re all talking about me and my CCJs on rival blogs but I wont give them the oxygen of publicity. I’ve always said I’ll never comment on rival blogs and that’s what I intend to do until the next time I comment on them. This blog has had an internet presence since 1972 and I’ve seen it all before mate. Nothing to worry about mate. I’m fucked mate. Anyway, I don’t know that my intake of carrot juice has to do with them. I never drink the stuff. I like a new brew of hydrogenated fat with two tablespoons of lard to thicken it up a bit.

New Plans

You’ll see me on the latest episodes of The Strife And Crimes Of Duncan Mitty (I don’t know why I bother, oh give over, really I don’t) on MiTV 393W 12272GHz beamed down direct from our studio on Ganymede, orbiting Jupiter 7.15/7 FREE FOR PAYING MEMBERS. I hope to open a FREE TV 24/7 station from Callisto before the latest UN season is over but it requires some negotiations with my sources at NASA to calculate an acceptable launch window. This shouldn’t be a problem as I’ve helped the JPL out many a time in the past when they get a bit stuck with some calculations. Bless them, they struggle a bit but it’s not rocket science. I’m training up K3V in case I’m not available to help them in the future. He’s already mastered Dr Seuss so technical theory on ion propulsion shouldn’t be much of a step up.

More New Plans

We’ll soon be launching a mini-blog that will report on the servicing of Boutros’s Hindustan Ambassador car. Sources tell me it’s due for an oil change in the near future (more on the Gold Blog 2.0) and K3V will be outside the garage so we can rip the photos off another blog, paste DME into the corner and palm them off as our own at the earliest opportunity.

Even More New Plans

I’m buying a second DMEMobile (see past articles) which will be an exact duplicate of the original with the latest in mattress and microwave technology but might somehow convince someone to subscribe to the Blog 2.0. Even I find this scenario far-fetched but I’ve claimed this sort of bullshit works in the past so I can’t change my tack now or I might look a bit silly.

Boutros News

Things have been quiet on the Boutros front as of late. My sources tell me the last coat of paint on the UN building is being completed but I have plenty of other sources working on other aspects of the building ready to pass on juicy information. I like to throw in the odd lie I’ve made up myself, that’s what I’m best at, so things should be normal soon. It’s not really lying, I like to goad rival blogs and member former banneds of this blogs as an excuse as to why I’m making this shit up. There is some sort of perverse logic in there somewhere but your average 5 year old would probably see that I’m a sad conman with no discernable skills. Sometimes I’m glad I don’t type what I’m thinking.

Signoff 

Remember rival blog children and mature-die-hard-non-gullible-non-teenage-intelligent people, speak to my obese cholesterol filled hand cos the ugly big fat fucking Jabba face aint listening. I’ve been ruining this site for 10 years, mate. Seen it all before, mate. I’m fucked.

 

Also remember, this blog is moderated 24/7 by Derek the hitman and me pretending to be various administrators (unless I’m having a piss) (or I forget to log out of the account I think I’m in but don’t realise it’s the wrong one)

Look, children. If you’ve got a problem, just write to the DME legal team, don’t go giving details of my family like daughter Jordan aged 13 or son Peter-Andre aged 2 on the internet. I don’t want people to know their names or that of my mother, Derekanna aged 58 either.  Family should never be brought into these sort of childish games.

Signup for the Gold Blog 2.0, a load of fun-packed addictive informative shat.

“Look after number one, that’s what I always do” – Duncan Mitty 2006

Oh give over I don’t know why I bother

I’ve been in Hollywood working on my latest film 24/7 which will be released later THIS year ok. I’ve picked up some great inside sources for all things Boutros from that great guys and gals in Tinseltown. so DME will soon move up from the Number 1 VIP Insider Unofficial Boutros Offical Boutros Blog on the net to the Number 0 VD Offal Boutros Bog on the net.

That’s the only way this blog is going, mate. Seen it all before, mate. 10 years of internet presence.

Seeing Boutros Boutros-Ghali asked questions about UN delegate rotation in every interview he gives is getting tiresome. In fact, almost everything I do these days becomes tiresome, I don’t know why I bother, really, I don’t. I could pack it all in tomorrow but I prefer to lie in my bed, hiding and dreaming up this festering bullshit occasionally reaching for a pie. You just don’t know how difficult it is.

Statistics show that the most successful UN Secretary Generals have rotated their delegates. It’s impossible in the modern global association of governing not to.

Although previously not a fan of rotation of delegates I’ve some to understand that you have to chop and change to field the best set of delegates for a meeting.  If Boutros wants to rotate then I fully understand why.

Let me sum that last bit up for the numpties. I saw an article in a web based newspaper on delegate rotation and decided to rewrite it like a GCSE student. It’s my choice. What I don’t understand is why no-one is in the slightest bit interested in me rehashing an article I just saw in a newspaper to become an ill thought out set of statements with no form whatsoever.

I’m on a diet. I got it from that Little Britain show, absolutely brilliant. I’ve lost 14 micrograms in under 3 weeks. It’s the half the calories diet. Yeh, the half the calories diet. Take a pie, any large pie. Cut it in half. That’s half the calories. The half the calories diet. And because it’s half the calories you can eat twice as much! Yeh, it’s great. 

I don’t know why I bother. My second cousin’s neighbour’s best friend has an ingrowing toenail so I had to spend a few weeks away from the keyboard. Rival blogs and banned former members of this blog (the sad ********) reckon I’ve been hiding from the authorities but it’s all great publicity for me.  You can hear all about this on my latest newscast on MiTV beamed down from my very TV studio on the moon.

So I can’t take a few weeks holiday in Malta and occasionally log in remotely to update this blog? What’s the world coming to when a charlatan isn’t allowed to spend his ill-gotten gains on a nice little trip for himself and his family. You don’t know how hard it is, really, you don’t. I know this will be pasted all over the net but I don’t care. I’m fighting these numpties until the plug is pulled on the server for late payment, they’ll never break me, never. Yeh.

When I was hiding from the authorities I thought to myself, is it worth it? I mean I don’t get paid a wage for this, all your donations are spent on business expenses or my kitty.

Kitty is a lovely cat but her mortgage is massive, as are the repayments on her Mercedes Kompressor convertible and her diet of pies and beer is also massive. Her ex-wife and couple of kids cost a few bob.  She’s addicted to laptops and plasma TVs too. And her portakabin needs a lick of paint. Donate to the Blob here and help with kitty’s payments 24/7.

I’ve got so much mental stuff going on at the moment I daren’t open the mail or answer the door. I’ve got nothing to hide but I don’t see why I should have to put up with this. I’m the world’s best independent impartial delusional blogger on the net, this shouldn’t be happening to me (the sad ********). So I told a few white lies, what’s wrong with that? Nobody was hurt. I do it on purpose I tell ya, I do. Not the ears! It’s to get people talking, I don’t really believe the stuff I say. I can’t tell fact from fiction any more, help me. Subscribe to the Cold Blob here.

I’ve seen other blogs reporting that Ban Ki-moon is likely to take Boutros Boutros-Ghali’s place in the United Nations strikeforce in the near future. They’re reporting a deal has been pencilled-in and is likely to take place within the next few weeks. Don’t believe a word of it. Boutros is first pick and always will be. I can’t give details but my sources close to the delegation are telling me this is all investment related and the true facts aren’t out there yet.  I believe the frustration of investment has caused people to jump to the wrong conclusions and suggested Ban Ki-moon incorrectly. Time will tell but I’ve yet to be proved wrong on one of these stories.

If any non 100% die-hard mature Boutros fans contradict that last paragraph they will immediately be banned and the offending blog comment deleted along with a little edit on that last paragraph. A hitman moderates this blog 24/7 and will pay anyone a visit who refers to that last paragraph if it is proved wrong.

I fancy a little holiday just before Christmas too, so don’t forget to sign up for the World’s Number 0 Unofficial Boutros : Official : Independent Boutros Blog On The Net ™ Unofficial Boutros Official.

Your cash is my aim, your loss is my gain.

Always knowingly over-soiled.

The blog behind you is a DME.

The future’s bleak, the future’s DME. 

DME – every little helps (my bank balance).

DME – you’re hatin’ it.

DME – refreshes bank balances the Inland Revenue can’t reach.

Donationz Meanz Liez.

It’s good to bullshit.

A donation a day helps me sleep, rest and pay (my bills).

Have it my way.

Vorsprung Dunk Bullshit.

If it’s in, it’s bullshit.

I liked it so much I bought a portakabin and a plasma and some posters and a Merc and a camera.

Arsesmackin’, teethclenchin’, shitsmellin’, bullshitin’, demotivatin’, clubfootin’, fatfuckin’, shitstirrin’, bogbustin’, alkafizzin, DME.

I is ritin a storie for teh blog again

In one’s role as facilitator of this particular communiqué I feel it is only correct, within my immoral obligations, to let others know in this, the latest formal and systematic exposition of DME, the latest news pertaining to Boutros.

Other adversarial authors (the sad ********) may, in their internet exegesis, poo-poo one’s allegory, grasp of reality and underline one’s record of deceit but one is not discontented. They may highlight one’s calumniation of Boutros but said adversaries will likely never rupture one’s spirit. They may admonish me for the numerous falsehoods published on one’s blog but one will never cease in one’s mission to serve one’s loyal army of devoted readers. Procure a donation to the Gold Blog 2.0 here.

One met an operative at a New York lodging establishment, yeh. The resultant colloquy ensued and many choice comestibles were consumed. It transpired Boutros’s movements were my interlocutor’s forté. The discourse flowed and one imbibed the juicy morsels of information which were divulged in a surreptitious manner.

One also imbibed a tasty appley beverage with much gusto and, later, one urinated like a diabetic racehorse which has consumed a hundredweight of lubricated diuretics. One does this for one’s kin. Oh, the vexation one must bring to oneself, why must one inconvenience oneself when one could take and endless sabbatical at one’s pleasure. Procure a donation to the Gold Blog 2.0 here.

The colloquist elucidated, outside of the formal communiqué, discreetly, various facts which may, if disclosed, compromise one’s agents and challenge the statesman like reputation of Boutros. Suffice to say, the intelligence gathered in the clandestine rendezvous will remain concealed until one decides it is to one’s advantage to spill the beans and make a few quid, yeh.

precís: One is cash-hungry and desperate. Procure a donation to the Gold Blog 2.0 here.

K3V – I is 15

K3V – i am the new editor and in charge

because duncan is a way hiding from the inland revanue i am in charge of the blog until he comes back 24/7.befor he left he said i am the cheif scapecoat and bottle washer and all this here blog will be left to me in the event of his packing it all in or the inland revanue knockin on the door again. he will be back soon but i dont even know where cognito is anyway but i think its near his bedsit. duncan will be phoneing in all the latest hottest news from dmemobile in new york for the dme family

duncan told me to tell you that hes had contact with the saucers at the un bilding who oversee things or something like that. he believes that the daily telegraph, bbc and the times are all totaly wrong about the latest news from the un bilding and they were fed by the wrong doorman. duncan has the best doorman at the un building by far so dont by the papers or watch the bbc give me £30 and pay for it here.

to cut a long story short duncan was up all night talking to a saucer and hes got a call from the doorman at the un bilding just after midnight to get himself over there to here the juicy news and see the key figures of possible intrest which may pencil in a possible deal in a meating. so he flew over there and it turned out these guys were major broken from a london based company and they will be meating boutros this morning before heading to wallsend to see reps resentatiffs of 911 security no idea why in brackets oh give over press shift on the top row where the numbers are good

this is all good news but the sauce gave the impresoin that nothing might come of this news anyway make sure you say that so they dont go moaning like children yeah when nothing happens and they reelise i made it up yeah and start asking for money back right and tell them your in charge now dont forget that make sure you say you are in charge a few times that is very important your doing a great job honeysnugglekins yeah but say you made me up and im not real if that tax man writes again they wont bother investigating then have you written that password down great i will need that when im back how many subs today are you sure o god right i need to get on photoshop quick and make some more stuff up

i am in charge

duncan is back home now but has a massive hangover so he apologies for not being here at the HQ 24/7

i am in charge

BOUTROS SETS PLUMBER’S FEE

There’s plenty of Boutros news today and as a Gold Blog 2.0 member you could log in and access all of it (providing I haven’t terminated your account for violating the spurious AUP). This hot Boutros news is so hot I’m only making the hot news available to funding-my-lifestyle only members. 24/7.

We’ve just secured a base next to the UN Building purely to provide frequent videos of UN delegates driving past us in their cars. You’ll get all the latest news of the comings and goings plus the latest news from the UN Building itself. 24/7.

We monitor all the newsfeeds at NewsNow, Google and rival blogs for our member and make sure we copy the best articles and reword them for your delight. Our blog is manned 24/7 by a team of crack hitmen 24/7 so you don’t have to worry about rival blog members 24/7. In fact you wont have to worry about other members as there aren’t that many. You may need to worry about a hitman blowing your brains out though, if I think you’re a rival blog member, mate.

With more than 10 years experience of internet fraud and more than 6 billion members signed-up you’re in the best place to be giving me £30 of you hard-earned cash. Don’t forget the DMEmobile, we’re ready to follow Boutros all around the world, just for you donators.

Our blog is run by Boutros fans, all of whom are volunteers and there is no payment whatsoever to any of them (especially me). All “donations” taken for the blog make no way to my wallet and are all used for legitimate business expenses. Rival blog members (the sad *******) have suggested that all the money is used to pay for my mortgage and the petrol for my second hand Merc but I can assure you that these are all legitimate business expenses in my eyes. Oh give over, I don’t know why I bother, really, we don’t, mate.

Since we battened down the hatches I’ve reinstated all the illegal stuff we had on the free blog before. Illegal downloadable video files, links to illegal streams, verbatim copies of copyrighted media articles, reworded media articles, tons of ripped off photographs with DME stamped on them and an imaginary Lotto syndicate are all available on the ALL NEW UNOFFICIAL DME OFFICIAL GOLD BLOG 2.0!!!!!

Please note that all this stuff is freely available elsewhere on the net but as you are part of the DME family we would love you to contribute to my mortgage. We’re sure I wont regret it. I’ve decided to charge for this so the jury show no leniency whatsoever when I finally get busted by the feds. I know what I’m doing, mate. Had it for years, mate. I could pack it all in tomorrow but I do it all for you and I’ll serve time for you too. Because I’m willing to put my freedom on the line you should sign up for the Gold Blog 2.0. My days are numbered, mate. Help me, please.

I’m completely safe with all the illegal stuff I’m palming off as my own as the copyright owners will never bother to sign up and check the stuff out. I’m certain of that as nobody else appears to be stupid enough to sign up, why should the feds? I’m so certain I’m safe I might come out of hiding in the next few months and visit the DME HQ again, providing the Inland Revenue fraud inspectors aren’t in the vicinity of course.

Rival blog members and banned former members (the sad ******) might report every illegal part of my blog but they’ll never break me. LALALALALALALA I can’t hear you. LALALALALALA. Anyone who knows me will tell you that.

Announcement

We are currently making changes to the way this blog operates. This has nothing to do with rival blogs or banned former members of this blog (the sad *******) pointing out my untruths. No, not at all. DME never comments directly on these rival bloggers and I’ll continue not to do so until I next comment on them. I’ve been ruining this site for years, mate. Seen it all before, mate. It doesn’t bother me, mate. I’m making all these changes because I want to, not in a desperate attempt to weed out the rival bloggers, mate. I know what I’m doing, mate.

With immediate effect, DME is to become a funding-my-lifestyle only blog. The costs in providing DME, since I had to remove all the illegal bits, can no longer be justified. Even though I said subscriptions were through the roof recently, it was all a joke. I don’t know why I bother, really, I don’t. Please help me by sending donations.

If you wish to continue accessing the prime bullshit I make up and other content which I stole from freely accessible sources, please, please, please become a member.

I’m not saying you’re thick or anything but to save confusion I only have one membership option now. For details, please follow this link –>> .

We intend to concentrate. This may take some time. We also intend to waste our diminishing resources on stalking Boutros at the UN Building, buying a 1976 Bedford Van and pretending to move to New York in the hope to convince some new subscribers to solve my cashflow problem.

Membership is completely optional. Although I may use the hitman on a few of you to make sure you sign up. I hope that many die-hard readers will continue to pay my mortgage by signing up.

For those who choose not to become a member or are not stupid enough to give a renowned conman their hard earned cash, I will be providing regular right-wing updates on all things Boutros from my free HDTV station (MiTv) which is broadcast from my own satellite at 721.2W.

Sales Pitch

If you’re an intelligent, mature, die-hard Boutros fan then you’re in the wrong place, mate. If you’re a bit gullible and can’t get enough of MC Boutros BG then become a DME member of the SUPER SOARAWAY DME!!!!! today! If it’s an absolute must that you keep up to date with all things Boutros, at the UN Building, we have a right SCORCHER!!!! of a solution for you and all for less than £30.01 a year!!!! That’s less than 8.2191780821917808219178082191782p per day!!!!!!! UP YOURS RIVALBLOGGOURS!!!!!

Our coverage of Boutros Boutros-Ghali is unrivalled (apart from the rival blogs, the sad ********). Brought to you by a real deluded fan of Boutros and certainly not a media giant. I try my best to pretend to be a media giant by copying and rewording all their stuff, photographing the inside of my portakabin after dressing it up to be a pretend mini Sky newsroom and making up inside sources. DME is the only place to be for independently concocted coverage of Boutros.

With an internet presence now diminishing in front of your very eyes, we’re the blog the others patronise. Your DME membership will help you be isolated from the real news, help your wallet be £30 lighter and help you be threatened with death by hitman if you step outside of my stolen-from-other-websites-and-cobbled-together AUP.

All our blog areas are policed 24/7 by a trained hitman which means I’ll be free of anyone questioning me. It will also be free of mature, sensible Boutros fans that will spoil my income stream by pointing out my untruths to other members. The means I will now have to hire a team of hitmen who will be online every minute of every day overseeing things for me. You can enjoy the addictive, fun-packed, vitamin-enriched, omega 3-laden, no added sugar, no preservatives, no trans-fatty-acids (yum) DME Gold Blog 2.0 here.

For the next 12 months I’ll be providing frequent updates in New York from my Uncle’s house in Jarrow. Get to know what Boutros isn’t doing and when he isn’t doing it, first. Get to know what he is doing and where, when I can find another online source to copy it from. I have also purchased a 1976 Bedford Van (as mentioned earlier) which will enable us to keep on the road and away from those pesky taxmen. It will also enable me to have somewhere to kip when I’ve had to pay years of back tax. This van will be kitted out with the very latest in mattress and microwave technology. I hope to get my good friends, Hannibal, The Face, B.A. Baracus and Murdoch of the A-Team to kit it out for me so I can broadcast directly to the DME satellite and back down to you on my wonderful HDTV station.

Not convinced? Well, I’m not interested in you at all. You sad ******. I don’t want your kind round here, I’ll get me hitman on to you, I will. Get off to one of those well-respected blogs, I only want easy-wins here, mate. Don’t listen to what the rival blogs or the fans I’ve kicked off this blog (the sad ********) have to say. There’s no point in listening to all those facts, it will poison your mind.

Read what the existing member thinks!

Duncan’s Uncle
DME Family

***
Reged: Sep 11 2006

Posts: 837374661622

Re: Rival Blogs (the sad ******)!

#2 – Sat Sep 11 2006 01:53 PM
Reply to this post Reply Reply to this post Quote

This is possibly the best blog in the world and much better than rival blogs (the sad ***********) and I think you are great and I’ve seen all the insider information on Boutros Boutros-Ghali and I can’t believe how good it is and I think that’s what you told me to say.

See you on Sunday at your Granny’s for tea lad.

New members are created by me every day and my mattress would love you to become the next member of the DME family. Enjoy the fun packed, addictive and informative chat on the blog but don’t forget….

Derek is watching you!

New and Revised OED V1.0 – OFFICIAL! EXCLUSIVE! Dunctionary

Trillions of new members have subscribed to the Gold Blog 2.0 in the past 24 hours. To help new members understand some of the writing on the blog I thought I’d publish a new and revised OFFICIAL! EXCLUSIVE! Dunctionary.

As I’m a highly educated man and you plebs are likely to be numpties, see below for explanations of key words used by us here in the HQ. Please note that some of the entries in the Dunctionary may differ slightly from the standard English.

This is just a brief snippet of OED V1.0, subscribe to the Gold Blog 2.0 for the later versions which are pencilled-in for release at some point in the future. 99.9% of subscribers are happy with the EXCLUSIVE! Gold Blog 2.0 services including the:

OFFICAL! EXCLUSIVE! Dunctionary V1.0

99.9%
adj.
Zero. Nothing. ‘99.9% of what I write is true’

banned
v.
To have seen through the bullshit. ‘He was banned‘

banned former members
gibberish.
Meaningless phrase. q.v. former banned members.

banned themselves
v.
To post the truth on a blog. ‘I never banned anyone, they banned themselves‘

blistering
adj.
Very slow. ‘Blistering fast server’

Boutros
n.
A suit who had something or other to do with the UN.

brenda
n.
She who annoys other blog users. ‘She thinks she’s a respected internet celebrity but in reality she’s a right brenda.’
‘Well, she’s been registered for 2 days, she’s posted 180 messages of annoying, out of context drivel and vitriol, it must be brenda with an anonymous proxy, again’
q.v. twat

bullshit
n.
Written word of Duncan Mitty to be found on the Gold Blog 2.0. q.v. news articles.

busy
adj.
Inactive. ‘Things are really busy at the HQ, I’ve been sorting through my sock drawer’

claim
tr. v.
To state as if to be true yet in reality is total bullshit. ‘My sources claim that Boutros will be at my house for tea tonight. Get some extra KFC in, mam.’

contact
n.
Make-believe character. ‘The friends and contacts we’ve made is mind-boggling’ q.v. source

Cropper
n.
Fictional character, possibly intended to be a hitman or one of the feds.

Disco
n.
Example of a sockpuppet.

DJ_Sydney
v.
To post an alarming amount of Gold Blog comments with little real value. ‘He really DJ_Sydneys that blog, it would be so much better without him.’

donation
n.
Payment for services but not declared to the Inland Revenue as income.

EXCLUSIVE
adj.
1. Reworded news articles available, on average, about 2 days later than free blogs. ‘EXCLUSIVE - Boutros Boutros-Ghali no longer UN Secretary General’
2. Nonexistent. ‘EXCLUSIVE competitions’

family
n.
1. Those ripe for exploitation in sob stories.
2. Those who pay donations.

feds
n.
Tax collectors. UN security. Police. Trading standards officers. Copyright holders.

feedback
n.
Make-believe positive comments, purported to be from real subscribers. q.v. negative feedback

former banned members
gibberish.
Meaningless phrase. q.v. banned former members.

FREE
adj.
Available to subscribers only. ‘FREE access to subscription services’

friend
n.
Mystical beast.

FULL ACCESS
n.
Extra bullshit given to those who pay donations. ‘FULL ACCESS to accessible services’

gateman
n.
A fictional character who stands as a lone sentinel at the entrance of the UN building, purported to be an insider.

get-out-clause
Clause added to news article to allow retraction at a later date while attempting to save face. q.v. pencilled-in, at some point in the future, likely.

Gold Blog 2.0
n.
Collection of bullshit.

guaranteed
tr. v.
To make certain not to happen. ‘Dob me in to the authorities any more and you’ll be pushing up daisies, guaranteed‘

hitter
n.
Moderator with a gun. Used to threaten banned former members and rival blog members.

hitman
n.
q.v. hitter.

HQ
n.
Portakabin. Shed.

independent
adj.
Shite. Full of bullshit. ‘DME is an independent / unofficial Boutros Boutros-Ghali blog.’

insider
n.
A fictional character who knows important information. q.v. source.

joke
n.
A belated version of a get-out-clause, generally used after donations are received. ‘Boutros wasn’t really at my house for tea, it was all a joke. I finished off that packet of Digestives myself.’

likely
adv.
Extremely unlikely. Used in a news article. ‘Insider sources tell me Boutros is likely to be at my house for tea tonight, I have something he wants.’

Lotto
n.
Mystical device for enticing users in paying donations.

moderator
n.
Person who makes threatening calls to subscribers who banned themselves.

national media
n.
Sky Sports News, online newspapers. ‘Sources in the national media tell me that Boutros will be at my house for tea tonight. Make some more sticky toffee pudding, mam.’

negative feedback
n.
Deleted blog comments from real subscribers. q.v. feedback

news article
n.
1. Copied and/or reworded article from a reputable and/or copyrighted blog or national media.
2. Fabricated text to entice users to subscribe to the Gold Blog 2.0. q.v. bullshit.

numpty
n.
Anyone who exposes bullshit or disagrees with me. A person likely to be or who has been banned.

OFFICIAL
adj.
Worthless. Not famous. Laughable. ‘Boutros Boutros-Ghali – OFFICIAL DME Gold Blog 2.0‘

painter
n.
A fictional character with a paintbrush and tin of Dulux who works at the UN building, purported to be an insider.

pencilled in
phrasal verb.
Example of get-out-clause. ‘Boutros is pencilled in to come to my house for tea tonight, buy an extra Battenburg cake’

reword
v.
To write a news article.

rival blogs
n.
Blogs of a superior nature. Blogs which expose bullshit.

secret links
n.
Freely available with a google search. ‘Secret links to FREE online audio commentary of Boutros press conferences when available‘

sob stories
n.
Bizarre news articles lacking coherence and used to garner sympathy and, in particular, donations.

sockpuppet
n.
A make-believe character on the Gold Blog 2.0 or other blogs created to promote DME. q.v. Disco

at some point in the future
phrase.
Example of get-out-clause. ‘Boutros will visit my house for tea at some point in the future. Pop down to the shop and get some extra Custard Creams, mam’

snippet
n.
A brief selection of prime bullshit to entice users into subscribing to the Gold Blog 2.0.

source
n.
A fictional character. q.v. insider.

spam
v.
Imaginary writing of emails by rival blog members to blog members.

split-arse
n.
A person of the female persuasion.

subscribers
n.
Those who pay donations. q.v. numpty

suit
n.
Person in authority. Person who who a blog owner is envious of.

support
n.
Persons who answer premium rate telephone numbers. Persons who ignore emails.

tax
n.
Mystical concept.

through the roof
adj.
Almost nonexistent. ‘We’ve had our best ever summer, subscriptions are through the roof’.

truth
n.
Mystical statements to be found on rival blogs.

understands
v.
To knowingly bullshit. ‘DME understands Boutros will be at my house for tea tonight, mam will be deep frying extra Mars Bars’

UNLIMITED
adj.
When we can be arsed. ‘FREE UNLIMITED major Boutros news alerts delivered by SMS worldwide’

UNOFFICIAL
adj.
Shite. Full of reworded news articles. ‘DME is an independent / UNOFFICIAL Boutros Boutros-Ghali blog.’

VIP
n.
Person who believes bullshit and pays a donation.

we
pronoun.
Used by an editor instead of I to convey the impression that a blog isn’t run by a solitary man from a Portakabin in Wallsend.

when available
adj.
q.v. get-out-clause. ‘EXCLUSIVE FREE trips to the Moon, when available‘

write
v.
To copy from another website.

yeh
adv.
Not only, but also.

Meet the Team!

I like to run this site as if everyone were one big family. It gives me great satisfaction to take subscriptions from the little people and give them their fix of Boutros information. Not everyone is as lucky as me so I like to help them out. For a fee. Here’s the team of people you could meet when you subscribe to the Gold Blog 2.0.

 

Duncan Mitty Esq – The great leader. Yes, it’s me.

 

 

 

Kevin - my stepbrother and loyal henchman. To be fair he’s only a young lad so if I ply with him beer and pay for servicing on his Sinclair C5 he’ll do anything for me.

 

 

Demi - loyal as hell. She doesn’t actually know what she’s got herself into as I’ve told her a complete pack of lies. Helps out moderating the blog comments. Also threatens subscribers, over the phone, at home or work who post the truth in the blog comments. All for a pittance too, great! Cash in hand, obviously.

 

 

Derekanna - she’s a sexy 18 y/o blonde as you can all see. Also helps out with moderating the blog comments. Chat to her on the Gold Blog 2.0.

 

 

Disco_Sydney_A – an extremely loyal member of the blog. I’m not quite sure what he’s trying to achieve but I like it. I think of him like a little pet as he’ll stand by me and keep posting on the blog no matter what people say to him. He has a nasty little temper on him which he vents at everyone on the blog comments. I can understand that myself because, just like me, he’s stuck in his bedroom 24/7. Some people think I pay him which isn’t true, the lad does it all for a free Gold Blog 2.0 subscription. I think that says a lot.

 

 

Boutros Boutros-Ghali - the man who made all this possible and one of the “suits” I aspire to be.

 

 

Ma jigga Ruff – and his latest ho. Man, he so cool. He da man. Packin’ a piece, he got beef wi’ dem rival bloggers and banned former members of this blog (the sad *******). Shiiiieeee, you mess wi’ da Ruff, he bust a cap in yo ass. Keep it real Ruff, you ma friend.

 

 

KingJeremy93 - The latest subscriber to the Gold Blog 2.0. Looks like a nice lad, he’s saved his pocket money for the last few months to pay me and get hold of all the latest gossip on Boutros Boutros-Ghali. Subscribers like Jeremy enable me to live my wonderful life up in Wallsend so I like to think of them as family. You could join them here.

 

 

Rival Bloggers – (the sad ***********) I don’t know who they are or where they live but I have their names and addresses. If I can just find them, I can get a contract out on them to save DME from the feds. I already know who they are and where they live but if anyone knows who these people are or where they live please let me know. I wouldn’t do anything to harm them, in fact I wouldn’t do anything at all, I just want to know who they are and where they live. If you know who they are, let me know but don’t go posting the replies on rival blogs or I’ll get the hitman on to you too.

 

 

DME Hitman – because of all the fools posting in the blog comments lately I’ve decided to employ a full-time hitman to nip this problem in the bud. Anyone disagreeing with me or generally violating the AUP will get a visit at work or home from Derek (pictured) who will plant a bullet in their head at the earliest opportunity. For the most addictive, fun packed, informative Boutros chat on the internet subscribe to the Gold Blog 2.0.

 

 

Banned former members of the blog. The sad **********. They’ve all banned themselves, I’ve never banned anyone who doesn’t want to be banned. They’re all JEOLOUS! of me, that’s their problem. The sad ********.

Duncan Mitty Esq – Glavnoe Upravlenie Lagerei

For the hottest UNOFFICAL Boutros action available on the internet subscribe to the Boutros Boutros-Ghali DME OFFICIAL Gold Blog 2.0 (only £30 per year, £5 cash). Do not accept poor imitations, the Daily Star said this blog is shit hot and you can’t get better than that, yeh.

The No1 UNOFFICIAL Boutros Sob Story on the internet – Part Two

… continued from the previous mindless drivel:

They say I’m scared of other blogs because I wont allow any reference to them whatsoever on our blog. Not true. When someone spams my member I get extreme pleasure from that. It’s a rare fetish, I know, but each to their own. If someone tries to disrupt my income stream I think it’s only fair I ring them at home or work to threaten them and if that doesn’t work get a hitman on the case. Have I ever threatened Kofi Annan because of his Boutros Blog? No. Why’s that then? Partly because Kofi is a decent enough bloke but mostly because Kofi’s blog is much superior to mine in every sense and I’d look an even bigger fool than I do now. Kofi and I have exchanged a bit of banter over the years and while we may have different views on life (he’s not a conman) he’s never acted like a 5 year old (like I do).

I’ll explain much more in the Hollywood Thriller later THIS year ok. I just wanted to throw a small message up saying that if you appreciate this blog and you really do appreciate the work I put in for you then please, please, please, let me know because I’m starting to realise the past few years of my life have been a complete waste and I’m probably paying years of back tax to the Inland Revenue. Any positive words might help my cause.

Many other Boutros blogs accept donations and only use them to pay for the running of the freely accessible servers. Instead of asking for donations I decided to create a childish world of make-believe to entice people into sending me money and then create a subscription only service where the prime bullshit is written. Join the Gold Blog 2.0 here.

If a member asks for help, be it Boutros or non-Boutros related I’ll bend over backwards to help them. A member asked for help about 3 minutes ago, actually. He wanted some pictures of Boutros Boutros-Ghali in a maids outfit… straight away I got on to Kevin and told him what he had to do. Yeh, get photshop out pronto!

We enjoy what I do, we don’t anyone to go anywhere, but it’s your choice. If you decide to leave where you are now and move to somewhere else then that’s your choice. I’d prefer if it you just stayed where you are now and perhaps refreshed the page a few times as I’ll get a few pence from the ad companies if you do it enough.

I know that the persons responsible for dobbing me in to the authorities has access here. All I’d say is that you must have too much time on your hands. I can barely fit in time to threaten people these days as I’m spending time trying to cover my tracks. I’m no sad thicko, me. You’ll never break me, ever. The Inland Revenue might but you lot wont. I’ve been through so much in my life I can’t believe that anyone has had a worse life to be honest. I don’t know why I bother, reallly, I don’t. Please send me money, please.

The law-abiding citizens trying to report me to the authorities are at the bottom of the pit. The authorities themselves are right at the top. Anyone who knows me (hi Ruff) will tell you that you are wasting your time. I was doing a fantastic job of ruining this blog on my own without your intervention. The paying subscribers are the only people that count.

People say, go to the police, go f*ck yourself, go to hell. What’s the point? I’d only get into the shit myself as they dig into all the illegal activity I’ve been involved with over the years. If I need to do anything I’ll see I get a hitman straight on the case. I’m too unfit to actually threaten anyone myself, if they walk off at a decent pace I’ll never catch them unless I can get back into my second hand Merc in time.

You’re faceless. You daren’t reveal yourselves, you daren’t reveal your contact details, you daren’t knock on my front door. You’re a coward. I thoughtlessly left all my contact details behind a PO Box No. registered to my house, that’s how thick I am. We know who you are (a couple of members of the blog OldBill1 and ChiefInspectorDaveSmithOfScotlandYard33 are coppers and you forget my uncle is a copper too and they’re willing to put their jobs on the line to help me out. That’s how respected I am) and I know where you live. I aint gonna do anyfin coz me family come first. I’m takin me ball home. Mum, Ricky said I look like a clown and smell of poo baaaaaahhhhh.

I declined the hitter (yeh, I laughed too at the time, I think it’s funny to threaten people’s lives online, that’s how fucked up I really am) although when my 2 year old was crying it was tempting. I’m not threatening to kill him, mind. I just need a good kip and he’s getting on my nerves.

I was just explaining to a “suit” what had been happening and he nearly lost control, he couldn’t believe I’d blatantly make this stuff up. He nearly hit me he did. Then this other bloke, yeh, (who I know) almost lost control too and, right, yeh, then, like, said that stuff should never happen. And then this alien came down from outerspace and he said it was terrible too. And right, this dinosaur came in the pub and we all, like, ran out but then this hitman came in and shot it and that’s how I met the hitman. He said it would only cost, erm, £374 for him kill someone for me, he gave me a massive discount as I’m a mover and shaker in the world of hitmen. And I thought wow, that’s really amazing and, like, I can kill all these rival bloggers and take over the Boutros blogging world. Muhahahahahahaha!!!!

But then I thought it would be giving in to these numpties. But, dob me in to the authorities any more and you’ll be pushing up daisies, guaranteed. Unless there’s a lot of you, I might not be able to afford that. He might give me a bulk discount, I’ll check that out.

If you want to dedicate your every minute to talking about me (why? what have they said?) and my website, you must live a sad and shallow existence. I should know.

You receive the support of the rejects and not the tens of billions of Boutros fans who email me every day telling me how much they love the blog. Think about it. Take a look around yourself and compare your life. Do you have a second hand Merc? A semi-detached in the North East of England? Health Problems? No Friends? No respect from anyone? No conscience? A single digit IQ? Well, when you do, get back to me and I’ll listen to you.

As for the members here, as I’ve said, they are extended members of our family. I treat my family like shit too. Just let us know when it’s time to start working in McDonalds to keep ourselves occupied.

I don’t intend to reply to this thread as I don’t want a debate. The simple fact is that I’m always right LA LA LA LA LA LA LA I can’t hear you LA LA LA LA LA. Only bother posting if you’ve got something nice to say. Life’s too short for all that truth nonsense. All we want here is for you to say how great the site is. It’s just a shame that some Boutros fans aren’t as thick as me and have seen through the bullshit I’ve spouted for years. It’s just a blog ffs. Let me carry on bagging the cash and I wont get the hitman on to you. It’s not a threat. No.

If anyone wants to email me personally, my email address is xxxxxx@xxxxxxx.com.

I’ll be in the HQ soon.

FOAD.

The No1 UNOFFICIAL Boutros Sob Story on the internet – Part One

It’s 1.37pm and I’ve just got up, I know it’s early for me but something’s been playing on my mind.

I’m going to the the HQ in a few minutes, it’s a long walk downstairs, and I’ll spend the day adding stuff to the blog for you, my wonderful DME family. I’ve sent my own satellite up into space so I’ll beam all the details down to you on my own HDTV station later on, you might find it interesting.

All my life I’ve taken a lot of stick and abuse, some people say it’s because I’m an extremely sad person with an exaggerated sense of self-importance. I can’t see it myself, I’m simply the best Boutros blogger on the internet and I could have retired at the height of the dotcom boom with a few billion pounds in the bank.

Over the last few months I made the brave decision of banning anyone that advertised rival blogs or pointed out the festering bullshit I write on this blog every day. I’m not talking about a bit of banter, you know, agreeing with everything I say and do, I mean actually pointing out the truth. That’s overstepping the mark as far as I’m concerned.

As a result some members left, well everyone of note to be honest, and a few more tagged along. This doesn’t concern me as the only people that matter are those who pay up and are completely sucked in by the bullshit. Anyone else can just bugger off, preferably after I’ve bagged their cash.

Rival blogs and banned former member of this site (the sad *****) have created their own blogs over the past few months and I can handle that as I’m a man. An outstanding genius with an active imagination, a true statesman of the blog writing fraternity. However, there is an unwritten rule that I made up recently, a conman should never have his family involved. NOBODY expoits my family, apart from me. That’s another rule I made up. Us conmen like to take the moral high ground if it has a chance of deflecting attention from the real issues at play.

During the last few months I’ve received prank calls, hate mail and threatening emails. I made an point of showing these to all of my family including my young children. It scared them silly, I can tell you. I had to fabricate a few pictures myself to make sure they were absolutely petrified. Now, you may ask yourself why I just didn’t keep my family away from all these threatening letters? Well, I can tell you that any decent law-abiding person would do that but I exploit my family as much as I possibly can and by fabricating this sob story I may get a bit of sympathy and, if all goes well, a few more quid from gullible subscribers who think I’m a decent family man and not a devious conman who’s latched on to die-hard Boutros fans.

As a family man, my family come before anything. You know what? my 2 year-old kid came into my bedroom the other night and said to me “Daddy, I can’t believe the sheer animosity these internet bloggers display toward you on a daily basis (the sad *******) it’s quite plainly inconsiderate of them to even consider reporting you to the authorities, Daddy” I can tell you, that wasn’t nice to hear and my first reaction what that I was going to hire a hitman and get these rival blog members taken out in a really brutal manner. This is my livelyhood and I’m in the shit big time if this goes under as I’ve never done a proper day’s work in my life. Please send me money, please please please.

Do I pack it all in? We could have sold up for billions in the dotcom boom, you know. I’m too modest to mention it but Al Capone, Tony Soprano and the Kray Twins were all interested in being partners in DME. I said to them that it’s only a hobby and we want to serve my dear, devoted DME family. We did that for all of you. Send me money, please.

Instead I took all the money you sent me and bought a second hand Merc and put a down payment on a semi-detached property in the North East of England. Yeh, I hit the big time and those rival bloggers don’t like it. I’m absolutely minted but I need more money so keep sending it in. Sorry, I’m not absolutely minted, I meant I’m secure. Not minted, that sounds a bit arrogant and I want you to send me money. I don’t know why I bother, DME costs me money so I need some contributions.

The reason DME continues is that I love what we do. It’s supposed to be fun and it is to me. You probably wouldn’t know yourselves, but taking all that cash from my PO Box is absolute heaven. I don’t pay a penny of tax on it either. Well, I might have to now. I love taking my £30 donations, sometimes I spend time through the day copying Boutros news from credible websites and rewording it into a sub-tabloid newspaper style and posting it on the blog. Most of the time I just stay in bed and get my step brother to write a load of comments on the blog saying I’m great. It gives me great satisfaction, I can tell you. We love it, I do.

On the rival blogs you read all this truth about me but I’ll respond in my latest Hollywood thriller which should be in the cinemas later in year. I was in talks with Tom Cruise but I’ve decided to play myself. Scarlett Johansson will play the part of Madonna and I’m currently in talks with Clint Eastwood to play Boutros Boutros-Ghali. Rival bloggers have been slating me for the delay in this film but they don’t realise how little free time I have, the bullshit doesn’t write itself you know. So I don’t get paid, it’s all doom and gloom, what a hero? No, not at all. There’s no wage but there’s money in the kity, yeh. I’ll treat meself or me granny. I’m a real family man. I also have my wonderful DME family to provide for. Isn’t it rather sad I have to justify this? Most conmen get away with it for years but I’m in serious trouble here.

I thought by using a PO Box that I’d never be found. Damn the Royal Mail for just giving the real address out to anyone who asks. Can you believe it? How can an internet conman make his money if all and sundry can just find his home address out then report him to the authorities?

So do I pack it in? I’ve thought it about it every day since the rival blogs took off and I began looking like a total fool. But I’ve always plodded on regardless of what anyone says, it’s part of the personality disorder apparently. I’ll keep conning until they lock me up, I can tell you. I’ve just had a bid accepted on the property overlooking the hanging gardens of Babylon (to the South) and the Great Pyramid at Giza (to the North) and it will be mine within a few months if you keep sending the donations in. The benefits for this will be amazing for the blog but more importantly to the benefit of my bank balance.

Did I need to buy that property? No. Did I need to camp like a tramp outside the UN building in New York for a few days? No. Boutros wasn’t there so it was a complete waste of time. Even my attempts to ask UN representatives for a few words to prove I was there looked totally limpid. It was a complete waste of money but I did it all for you. In fact, if you want the most grim youtube videos available then subscribe to the Gold Blog 2.0. On the other hand you can just get the shite for free with a quick search.

I could work 9-5 at McDonalds and I’d easily get my five stars as I’d be the best burger flipper in world by far. I never sleep, I’m moderating the comments on this blog 24/7, on the lookout for any truths that some law-abiding numpties might post on YOUR blog. Don’t forget it’s YOUR blog, send some wad in for the upkeep.

If people chose to use other rival blogs, well, so what? It’s not school is it? Why the drama? Why not just go? I’ll tell you why, this is blog is supported by ads and it’s buggering up my income stream. If someone is cretinous enough to leave the No 1 VIP Boutros Blog on the internet then so be it. I don’t care, I just want the donators who hang on my every word and pay up on a regular basis.

These rival blogs can keep pranking us and pointing out the truth but they wont make a decision on whether I pack it in. I reckon that will be the Inland Revenue, Customs and Excise or various copyright holders that I’ve abused over the years. If we feel there’s support for this blog then I’ll just plod on. I could have packed it all in at the height of the dotcom boom, you know. Dame Judi Dench, Dame Heather McCartney and Dame Edna Everage all pencilled-in bids. I could have retired but we’re doing this all for you. If I feel we’ve lost it then I/we will just pack it all in. It’s no big deal, I’m absolutely minted. We won’t cry about it, I’ll just chill out for a bit. It’s your site, it’s your call. This site is costing me money, I’m skint, so please send me donations.

People have to remember that this is a Boutros fans’ site. The contacts and friends I’ve made is mind boggling. His name was Ruff. It’s been a monumental exaggeration. I could name sources (the janitor), positions (third floor) but they’d lose their jobs. And more importantly I’d lose my sources. Hang on, I don’t actually have any sources. Scrub that.

We don’t have the resources of the big media organisations but look at our set-up?

Not bad is it, considering?

We do what I can. Most things, the UN try to stop. They tried to stop us taking pictures of the UN building and publishing blueprints on the internet. They’ve tried to stop me sellling fake Boutros suits to gullible overseas readers (that saved them a few quid but more importantly made me an absolute packet, I don’t do anything if there isn’t a few quid in it). I offered free postage on the suits as well. In fact, sometimes I didn’t bother posting them at all. I did it all for my dear, devoted DME family of readers and preferably paying donators. That’s the kinda guy I am. I do it all for you paying subscribers.

So there you have it. Membership of the Gold Blog 2.0 is voluntary. Nobody makes you be there. I try my best to make you with endless bullshit sob-stories like this and lists of pathetic reasons why you should fork out cash for stuff you can get free elsewhere. I don’t want to lose any gullible people who pay me money we just want these people who tell the truth out. That doesn’t mean people who are on the Gold Blog 2.0 are gullible, oh no. They are part of the DME family. It just means the people who have left are friends of the truth tellers and don’t like me for the absolute bullshit I spawn on a daily basis.

Nobody gets banned by me, they ban themselves. Usually we disable their account and then threaten to send a hitman around to rough them up a bit. If they put up a fight then I guess they banned themselves. Simple really, get shot or banned. If they pwomise to abide by my rules and never question me again, pwomise to pay me money on a regular basis or if they are educated enough like me (I’m a Professor but don’t like to mention it) then I might let them back in. For this reason you’ll understand why I moderate the forums like we do.

You’ll hear them cry “If you disagree with Duncan Mitty, he bans you”. Oh puuuuurlease, sheesh, yeh, everyone disagrees with me. I know nothing. I’m a numpty. I’d be here alone if it were true. Oh. Erm. Hang on.

The complete ******* of ***** rival bloggers and legions of banned former members ( the ******* c**ts) of this blog just can’t handle it. They say how terrible I am yet devote their lives to correcting my bullshit. They should devote their lives to conning gullible teenage Boutros fans and overseas based Boutros fans like me. You can tell which are the decent rival blogs as they don’t have DME in the title. Do you ever see me slating the ***cking ***ts on the rival blogs? No.

Part Two tomorrow

You got beef?

Yo! sup Big Daddy upstairs here, mofo. Me ‘n ma jigga Ruff was cold-lampin in da xbox crib as da regulators do, sippinn’ my forty. Shiie, Ruff was strapped ready to fly gangsta shit, man. I say “what tha dilly do?” he say “You got beef?” I say, yeh, “Me got beef, ma burger”. We was lunchin.

He be axe me “Yo got yo B.M.W? we need da 411 on da rival bloggers dissing you, it’s on”. I say “sku me, dumbass?” He a foo, try-fo-lin, I be packin a Merc ‘n portakabin ‘n No 1 VIP Boutros Website on the internet (sign up for the Gold Blog 2.0 here). No skeeting to Scouseland fo me in da B.M.W. I schooled da foo.

Ma jigga, Ruff, keepin’ it real.

Da rival blog owners and banned formers members of this blog (the sad *******) buggin’ ‘n bumpin’ da Big Daddy. They is playaz, haps in da hood?. Rise up foos, we is not rollin deep wi dis wack shit. I gonna steal yo. Yo is no bo jangling here. Ruff packin’ a piece an ma bruva da po-leece in da Wallsend hood, yo. Ball out or Ruff be bustin’ a cap in yo ass.

Peace out.

Changes in the AUP and other news

To keep up with recent events I have changed part of the AUP for the blog, see below.

Your Promises and Indemnity

137. By using this site you promise that:

137.1 you (or your agent) must not contradict any bullshit that I write.

137.2 you (or your agent) must not post links to rival blogs.

137.3 you (or your agent) must not call into question any delusions I may or may not have.

137.4 you (or your agent) must not be a numpty.

137.5 you (or your agent) must not expose my bullshit on rival blogs.

Other News

I met a contract killer in New York the other day. Lovely chap, said if I ever needed anything to contact him immediately. I was only having a pint of John Smith’s in Manhattan too LOL. Not sure why I’m telling you this. Just something I thought of then. Funny how the mind works, yeh, funny. It was just someone I could call on if needed.

Subscriptions through the roof – new webcam

This has been the best ever summer for DME. Subscriptions are through the roof as you can see from the addictive, fun-packed chat on the blog.

To celebrate this, I’ve added a webcam feature to the blog which allows everyone to see the goings on outside the HQ. If you’re lucky you might see me pop out to the pie shop, me cranking up the bullshit generating machine in the morning or me parking the second hand Merc up me mam’s drive.

I’ll put up another webcam displaying my bank statements when I can be arsed but this financial stuff really bores me. I’m absolutely minted and I don’t care who knows.

Remember, this is just a hobby and I do it all for you. DME costs me money to run and your donations contribute only a little to the costs of the only VIP Boutros Boutros-Ghali on the internet. I could pack it all in tomorrow, I could have sold up for billions in the dotcom boom, I don’t know why I bother, really, I don’t.

I’ll make a promise to you all, if Boutros Boutros-Ghali ever leaves his post as UN Secretary General I’ll hang up the keyboard and mouse forever. Yes, you guessed it, I’ll buy a trackball and use voice recognition software and that’s a promise from me to you.

WEBCAM

The webcam updates every time someone makes a post so that’s some incentive to the unwashed masses to join in the hot Boutros chat going on in my fun-packed, addictive, informative, life-changing and world peace achieving blog.

Last Updated 27/08/2006 13:03

Subscribe to the Gold Blog 2.0 for the Webcam 2.0. 25fps updates, ad-free, invue free, popup free pencilled in heh sources weeeeeeeee oop oop oop insider VIP muhahahaha yeh yeh haha NURSE! NURSE! suits, suits, horse Clouseau Clouseau, you said a beurm? loony blog loony loony numpties done it for years mate mate mate heh mate newspaper reports claim hahahha NURSE! NURSE! insider sources mate heh I can’t take it any more NURSE! NURSE! had it for years mate hehahahaha drinking woodpecker in Timbuktu pencilled in insider sources gateman painter horse boardroom moderators children oop oop oop me me me me me me me me

“et tu, Brendan?”

Gold Blog Features!

The only VIP Boutros Boutros-Ghali website in the world!
Yeh, there are plenty of Boutros sites out there but this is the only VIP site. You’re all very important to me, as long as you pay up and don’t do anything I don’t like.

FREE* Insider membership worth £20!
To be honest it costs £20 if I feed the money through my step-brother’s bank account. It only costs £3 cash so I can bag the cash without the Inland Revenue knowing about it.

FREE* unlimited access to ad-free Boutros News
When I can be arsed ripping some stories off and rewording them or completely fabricating news stories.

FREE* unlimited major Boutros news alerts delivered by SMS worldwide (24/7 coverage, 365 days-a-year)
When I can be arsed sending them, that is.

FREE* plane tickets – every year we give away various plane tickets to New York to see the UN building
When I can be arsed sending them, that is.

FREE* username@Boutros-Boutros-Ghali.net email address by request
Yeh, you request it, go on.

FREE* unlimited access to online games arcade
Yeh, you can’t get these exact same games for free elsewhere. Well, apart from the site where my link points to.

FREE* unlimited access to Boutros galleries
Yeh, free pics that some mug has taken for me. I’ve never been near Boutros meself. Sorry, I have, many times. No I haven’t. Yes I have. I had a pint of John Smith’s in a New York bar with him yesterday. Yes I did.

FREE* personal gallery to upload, store and share your Boutros photos online with other members
Forget the free photobucket and flickr sites, pay me money and store them on my server!

All Gold Blog features are completely ad-free i.e. no banner ads, no pop-ups, no pop-unders, no-invues!
Yeh, no more porn pop ups. They disgust me, I have a teenage daughter you know and I don’t want her seeing this.

FREE* unlimited access to pictures of women without clothes on
Yeh , my wife left me and I’m an ugly fat bastard so I need these pictures, keep sending them in.

Blistering fast dedicated servers power the Gold Blog and as there’s no ads, you will notice a massive difference in speed!
I think I meant blisteringly fast but they are blistering fast too. You’ll have blisters on the palm of your right hand when you view the pics of women with no clothes on them.

Your own FREE* P.A. when you go on holiday – We’ll call you, SMS you, fax you, email you, major Boutros news as it happens!
Post the truth on this blog and you’ll get a call alright. I’ll use my Honey Monster lookalike student, Derekanna, to threaten to kneecap you. She’s a big Geordie biffer, don’t mess with her. She’ll call you at home or work providing we can do a whois lookup and get the company name from the IP address. If all else fails we’ll just ban you and sell your details to a spam company.

Exclusive competitions for prizes worth winning e.g. X-Box 360’s, PSP’s, Digital Cameras, MP3 players etc
Yeh, loads of competitions. None deemed as lotteries under my laws. And that’s what counts. They’ll never be deemed as a lottery because the prizes don’t exist, great eh?

FREE* weekly participation in our Gold Blog UK Lotto syndicate – We spend at least £100-a-month on the national lottery for you!
Yeh, and if we win I’ll send you all a postcard from Rio from my new house. Only kidding, I’d never do that, I don’t buy the tickets in the first place.

Seen a Boutros teaser on Teletext? They want you to call £1-a-min premium rate number? Let us know and we’ll found out what it’s about!
Yeh, my whole site it based on ripped off news. Call us on a premium rate number and we’ll call a premium rate number for you, then reword the story and put it in the news section! Everyone’s a winner, me, me and me.

Never dial a premium rate DME competition again – submit your entries by email for free*!
In this age of interweb technology we are the first VIP Boutros site on the web to make this facility available. Send the entries to dustbin@duncanmitty.com and I’ll look at them just after I’ve finished with the support tickets.

Priority email support, priority online support, priority telephone support 7 days-a-week
Priority is a nice word, it’s all relative though. I never look at freebie mug request but I’ll definitely make the Gold Blog priority higher. I look at those once a year without fail.

Links to video clips including every Boutros appearance usually within minutes of Sky News showing it**
Yeh, any Boutros news and I’ll be there capping it within minutes.

Links to audio clips of interest**
Same again, I’m a real copyright thief. Pay me, pay me!

Help with plane tickets via our Executive Lounge forums
You need help with tickets to see Boutros, contact us first. We’ll tout the tickets and make a few quid.

Secret links to FREE* online audio commentary of Boutros press conferences when available**

Secret links to FREE* online live video footage of Boutros press conferences when available (99% of conferences covered in 2005-06)**

Secret links to FREE* Boutros video downloads for your iPod, PC etc when available. Some games can be downloaded in full!**
Very secret. I’ve heard these can only be found with a simple one word Google search. Also, I meant to delete this as I’ve been under investigation from the authorities but I put a disclaimer at the bottom instead. That’ll fool ‘em.

Guaranteed place in our dedicated commentary/chat room on press conference days
Yup, we have a freebie IRC server full of clueless fuckwits or members of the clique who’ll abuse you at the drop of a hat.

A fun, friendly, addictive community packed with Boutros Boutros-Ghali fans – blogs include The Billionaire Oligarch Lounge & The Platinum Bar
It’s fun as long as you stay within my rules. Anyone veering away from those gets banned so I’m having fun alright.

VIP contributors including various luminaries associated to Boutros – present and former UN delegates!
Yeh, as many luminaries as I can think of and create fake accounts for. If any are missing, let me know and I’ll get straight on to creating the accounts. Of course lots of luminaries read the blog but don’t use their real names.

Full access to Press Conference Reports, Press Conference Dates, The DME Diary, The Mitty files, and of course, The UN Aardvark!
Yeh, as soon as I can rip them off from other websites they’re straight on here! Don’t bother with those reputable free newspapers, pay me instead!

* FREE in this context means “Available providing you pay me a subscription”. Don’t be fooled by rival sites that do this for free i.e. don’t take a subscription, as I don’t make a penny from that rubbish.

** DME does not have an archive of illegal video material on its servers nor do we stream Boutros footage. My mate, Ruff***, stores all that stuff on his server in the US in the hope that the authorities wont bother checking up over there. Links to other footage are provided by myself under a made-up username so I’m completely in the clear as they’d never go as far as checking that out. During 2005 99.9% of Boutros press conferences were available for FREE* from the DME site. I’m not very bright so I can’t help another pathetic thicko attempt at conning subscribers so I’ve just made a retarted sales pitch in the legal disclaimer that more or less admits my guilt. If you want to follow Boutros to the max then a Gold Blog subscription will help you achieve this but, more importantly, help me fill my mattress to the max with £20 notes. As a subscriber, if you see anything that breaches copyright then tell me and I’ll remove it. That’s cunning really because I can blame you lot if something slips through. On the other hand, considering most of my site is breaching copyright I’m really in the shit.

*** Ruff is a grade A mug I met on xbox live. He’s my only friend.

Subscribe to the Gold Blog 2.0. Only £30 per year and loads of FREE* stuff.

EXCLUSIVE: Agent heading to Armfield to cry and bludgeon seal

DME understands that Tristran Asquith – a local estate agent from the Wallsend area – is to visit Leeds player, Jimmy Armfield, in the hope of marketing his house.

The 70-year-old England international’s house is due to be sold at some point in the future and he’s rejected the offers put to him by local estate agents.

Tristran is expected to arrive in the Leeds area today. Afterwards he will hold a mini-selling-session with his client to discuss the options, one of them could be to put the house on the market.

Jimmy can negotiate with any estate agent he wishes. He could then put his house on the market at a cheaper rate or may opt to stick with a local estate agent.

If Tristran cannot get the deal in place he’s likely to sob a bit in the hope Jimmy feels sorry for him.

The meeting, pencilled in for some point in the future, is likely to conclude with threats to Jimmy’s pet seal if a deal cannot be done. If Tristran takes this stance it is likely that he would be promoted to Jimmy’s list of “possibles”.

DISCLAIMER: All this information was stolen from a conversation I overheard from rival bloggers and some trivial facts may be wrong. If this story turns out to be incorrect, anyone pointing this out will be immediately banned. I don’t want pathetic children on this blog.

“DME understands” – Duncan “oxymoron” Mitty 2006

Bans – an explanation

There has been a bit of discussion lately regarding the number of banned members of this blog.

I can categorically say I’ve never banned anyone from this blog who didn’t want to be banned. They haven’t explicitly asked to be banned but I have a sixth sense where I can detect someone who actually wants to be banned.

This shows itself in a number of guises:

• Disagreeing with me – this is an immediate ban, this is your blog and we’re all family and because we’re all the DME family, what I say goes and that’s the end of it, yeh.

• Posting the truth – that is another immediate ban, I don’t want any of that namby pamby “truth” rubbish on this blog thank you very much. I pride myself on finely crafted bullshit and I wont have anyone undermining me with facts and the like, yeh.

• Paying for a subscription – people who are paid members are in for a possible ban as I’ve bagged the cash and don’t give two shites about them any more, yeh.

• Advertising rival blogs – this is another immediate ban. As far as I’m concerned no rival blogs actually exist apart from when I’m pilfering and rewording stories from them. There are no rival blogs that match up to this one, the Daily Star even said so, must be true, yeh.

• Numptiness - anyone displaying numptiness will have an immediate ban. I decide on the whether someone is a numpty and my say is final, yeh.

• Suggesting improvements to the blog – this is your blog, I lose money on this blog and could retire tomorrow if I wanted to but no-one is allowed to suggest improvements. This is my blog and I’ll take it down my own way, I don’t need suggestions from anyone as I’m doing a fantastic job of ruining it myself, yeh.

• Not giving me personal information – this blog isn’t a charity, I can’t afford to run it without donations. Anyone who gives me personal information will allow me to sell this information on to disreputable companies and make a few quid. Anyone who doesn’t agree to this is banned. You can trust me with your personal information, I’m family, yeh.

• If I think you’re a rival blog contributor – if I have my suspicions about you being one of the writers on a rival blog then you’re in for an immediate ban. I prefer to ban people who’ve paid up as I’ve already bagged the cash but in some circumstances (when you haven’t paid up) I may move you to the numpty blog so you have to massage my ego and beg to be let back into the big boys’ blog. You may pay me something at a later date so I wouldn’t want to lose you before then. I work on percentages, yeh.

So there we have it. Anyone displaying those attributes obviously wants to be banned. You have been warned.

Duncan Mitty Esq – Glavnoe Upravlenie Lagerei

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