Lebanon – a reader writes in

Following my visit to Lebanon to sort out the problems there I received the letter below from an avid reader of this blog.

Dear Duncan,

Many thanks for sorting out the problems in Lebanon for us. I am an avid reader of your blog and it’s the first site I check out on the internet when I get the chance to log on between the cruise missile explosions. I shouldn’t really talk about my problems as you have much greater problems with the earthquake, the Tsunami, the rival blog owners and banned former members of your blog causing you grief (the sad *******) and looking for a new server. All I can say to readers on your behalf is that they should send you as much money as they can afford and then a little bit more. I’ll be sending cash as soon as the bombs stop dropping.

[boring stuff edited out]

Once again, thank you for your great blog.

Kind Regards,

[name removed to protect the innocent]

1 Acacia Avenue, Lebanon

Well, what can I say, I have a tear in my eye. He’s part of the DME family, that’s how I treat you all, like family. And as we’re all family you should listen to the guy. He’s got bombs dropping around him and he’s still subscribing to the Gold Blog. Think of yourselves in your pityful existences and my wonderful fun-packed life, send me the fookin money now.

“I’ll be sending cash as soon as the bombs stop dropping” – Nir Kurhi, Lebanon

DME HQ Tsunami Appeal

I’m sorry to report some extra bad news this evening. Following the Wallsend earthquake this morning, a 100ft tsunami razed the DME HQ to the ground this afternoon with the loss of Demi and Derekanna. They will be sadly missed.

Luckily, I was in my mum’s house over the road so managed to avoid any injury but with the sad loss of my plasma screens and laptops I’ll need to replenish the coffers pretty sharpish.

I’m a bit busy at the moment so if you can just imagine the sob story I would write if I had the time you’ll save me some hassle. Send the money to the usual address.

Thanks, you’re one of the family.

New server begging – donations needed

Due to the high cost of the free WordPress software and the fact it’s only available 24/7 365 days a year I’ve decided to upgrade to a more expensive server and this is where I need your help.

As you know I’m a fantastic businessman, a great “people man” with marvellous interpersonal skills, a genius of distinction who immediately garners respect the moment someone meets me and an all round great bloke (see the competition winner below), I rarely have to pay anyone to work for me as they see it as a great privilege to be in my company and associated with me. WordPress were no different, they let me have this blog for free after I had a meeting with their “suits”, that’s the wheeler dealer in me.

Anyway, enough about me. This WordPress software is gratis (which is Australian for bleedin’ pricey, if you didn’t know) so I need to find a more expensive server if I possibly can. You have to realise that this blog is the most content-rich of the delusional blogs on the internet and WordPress just doesn’t measure up. It’s nothing to do with them cracking down on the festering shite which rival blog owners and banned former members of this blog reported me for (the sad ********), it’s my choice.

As you are aware, I will only settle for the best as I’m the best blog writer on the internet. Therefore I’ve decided to move to an insanely high priced server to prove two things to myself:

• Readers aren’t leaving this blog in droves
• I can afford to shell out lots of money on something I don’t need [thought: also I can show those rival blog owners and banned former members of this blog I'm still making money from this sham and I'll spend it how I want, when I want and on what I want while desperately asking for cash from gullible readers]
  

I’m not begging for donations, oh no. We are all family and I want you to give me cash because you love this blog and you know I’ll always be there for you too. If ever you have a problem, you know you can let me know and I’ll immediately delete your comment and ban your IP address so I don’t get loads of you hassling me over trivial stuff. I’ve got a blog to write, you know.

The new server will be run from the US by one of my mates, Ruff. In fact, I think of him as a brother because he’s probably the only friend I have. Obviously I’ve got loads of friends queuing up to speak to me as I’m such a great bloke but Ruff is like my little pet so I need to help him out by paying him a lot of money. He’ll see every penny, let me assure you of that. I simply banned his IP address temporarily from this blog, that’s all. I’ll let him back on once I’ve bagged the cash and I know how to delete this message.

Don’t forget the Wallsend earthquake which decimated the DME HQ last night and required me and Kevin to have all our limbs amputated. You couldn’t possibly leave us in this state. You know where to send the cash, hurry.