Why I stayed in bed

When I looked at the clock this morning and saw it was 9am, I loved every inch (or should that be yard!) of it when I rolled back over safe in the knowledge that my Sky+ system would record ‘Trisha’ for me.

I knew that madness would break today on the financial front. Like clockwork, Kevin was calling and texting me telling to get my arse into DME HQ. Balls to that. Investment stuff bores me senseless. It has become such a long running saga that I could throttle anyone that brings the subject up.

In fact I’m going to make a promise which will be welcomed by many. If there’s no finance secured by the opening day of the autumn, I’m going to hang up my keyboard and close DME down. I’ll see that the Gold Blog features plus the comments remain online and operational but as far as my involvement goes, forget it. Maybe then I could put my immense talents to writing the novel I promised.

I’ve been doing this lark for too long now. It’s boring. I sat down with the Mrs last night and said I was sick of it. She was like, “Well what would you do, you’ll be bored?” and yeh, I guess I would but surely there’s more to life than sat typing away all day. It’s funny because on my keyboard i have no letters that spell out BULLSHIT because they’re used that much lol!

Contrary to what critics may suggest, DME isn’t run to make a profit. I’d be better off financially if I didn’t have this round my neck. It’s just a hobby that got out of hand. Do I need the hassle? The thought of you never knowing anything about my life again would be like a dream come true for me. I’d love to go back to just reading about my life in yesterday’s newspaper.

There’s some great fans out there but there’s also some real loons too. Maybe it’s an age thing? I dunno. You see a username on the comments and they could be 14 or 40. It’s difficult sometimes working out why some DME fans can be so stupid. Are they just thick or just young?

Take this finance stuff again. For example, people are obsessed with figures. It’s just not that simple. We’re talking long term strategic plans. It’s not good saying “Here’s £50m Duncan , go spend it”. If other blogs think we have money, we’ll get ripped off. If we spend it but don’t earn another £50m, we’re back in the same situation again.

For me, it’s about the people at the top. It’s about injecting some youthful ideas in to the blog with a blend of proven marketing experience. It’s not about handing over an open cheque book to me because whoever comes in, that is not going to happen and I don’t want it to happen.

There’s also the issue of the new HQ. People are assuming that potential investors have that covered as part of what they’re bringing to the table and this may not be the case. Don’t jump to conclusions.

Personally I’d rather see the two kept separate. For me the ideal scenario would be an investor, a shake-up at the top of the blog and someone else brought in to pay for blog naming rights. Throw in some marketing brains and we’re laughing. I don’t want one person or group to buy into the blog and to also have some ownership of the HQ. I think that’d be dodgy.

You may have noticed that all week updates have started later than they normally do. This is because I’m knackered, bored and because I know all the finance stuff was set to crop up even though I recently claimed there was nothing around the corner.

On Friday I’m taking the afternoon off. I’m going horse racing with the lads for the first time in ages. I can’t wait to let me hair down… ****, I haven’t got any… well you know what I mean.

“DME is the biggest and most popular blog in the world.” Freddie Starr

Great News

Two fantastic pieces of news today.

We found Derekanna washed up at the bottom of the garden and she’s back working in the remnants of the DME HQ.

As you can see from the picture on the left she’s looking as fantastic as ever. You will recall that Derek, as we like to call her, is only helping us out over the summer and it means she’ll be back doing her A Levels later in the year.
Unfortunately for me, this means I can only ask for donations on the basis of Demi’s demisal and the DME HQ rebuild, so I’ll need to up the effort a bit.

The second piece of great news is that after consulting the “suits” [this is all just a hobby for me, I'm not a suit, hard to believe I know] is that I’ve found a cheaper host for this blog. The recent quotation of £10,000 per year has been recalculated to a much more reasonable £17.99.

Don’t stop sending the money in, we need to rebuild our HQ after the recent earthquake and tsunami. I’m looking at some particularly opaque blinds for the windows as rival blog owners and banned former members (the sad *********) of this blog were claiming that the DME HQ was really the garage at me mam’s house and that’s just not true. You can trust me, we’re all family.

I’m talking with the “suits” again to discuss the design of the new DME HQ. I’ve already spoken to Norman Foster as I wanted something like the Swiss Re Tower (I’m partial to a gherkin or two) but I’ve decided against him. The “drawing board”, as I like to refer to him, was a bit too arrogant for my liking and threatened to call the rozzers if I didn’t get out of his garden.

So, I came up with a few ideas of my own and have settled on a meat pie.

If the “drawing board” can do it, so can I. It’s simple yet captures the essence of my work here at the HQ in a delicious short crust pastry. I’m particularly proud of the crusty rim motif, that’s rare on buildings in the Wallsend area.

I could be in for a RIBA award for this one but keep that to yourself. I’ll keep you updated with any developments.

And don’t forget, even in my time of need I’m still willing to listen to any problems you have. Send the details to the usual address, stapled to a ten pound note.

“Duncan Mitty? if that fat… calls me again I’ll shoo… and you can tell him I want my money back, the fat…” – Oliver Key, The Torygraph