It’s 1.37pm and I’ve just got up, I know it’s early for me but something’s been playing on my mind.
I’m going to the the HQ in a few minutes, it’s a long walk downstairs, and I’ll spend the day adding stuff to the blog for you, my wonderful DME family. I’ve sent my own satellite up into space so I’ll beam all the details down to you on my own HDTV station later on, you might find it interesting.
All my life I’ve taken a lot of stick and abuse, some people say it’s because I’m an extremely sad person with an exaggerated sense of self-importance. I can’t see it myself, I’m simply the best Boutros blogger on the internet and I could have retired at the height of the dotcom boom with a few billion pounds in the bank.
Over the last few months I made the brave decision of banning anyone that advertised rival blogs or pointed out the festering bullshit I write on this blog every day. I’m not talking about a bit of banter, you know, agreeing with everything I say and do, I mean actually pointing out the truth. That’s overstepping the mark as far as I’m concerned.
As a result some members left, well everyone of note to be honest, and a few more tagged along. This doesn’t concern me as the only people that matter are those who pay up and are completely sucked in by the bullshit. Anyone else can just bugger off, preferably after I’ve bagged their cash.
Rival blogs and banned former member of this site (the sad *****) have created their own blogs over the past few months and I can handle that as I’m a man. An outstanding genius with an active imagination, a true statesman of the blog writing fraternity. However, there is an unwritten rule that I made up recently, a conman should never have his family involved. NOBODY expoits my family, apart from me. That’s another rule I made up. Us conmen like to take the moral high ground if it has a chance of deflecting attention from the real issues at play.
During the last few months I’ve received prank calls, hate mail and threatening emails. I made an point of showing these to all of my family including my young children. It scared them silly, I can tell you. I had to fabricate a few pictures myself to make sure they were absolutely petrified. Now, you may ask yourself why I just didn’t keep my family away from all these threatening letters? Well, I can tell you that any decent law-abiding person would do that but I exploit my family as much as I possibly can and by fabricating this sob story I may get a bit of sympathy and, if all goes well, a few more quid from gullible subscribers who think I’m a decent family man and not a devious conman who’s latched on to die-hard Boutros fans.
As a family man, my family come before anything. You know what? my 2 year-old kid came into my bedroom the other night and said to me “Daddy, I can’t believe the sheer animosity these internet bloggers display toward you on a daily basis (the sad *******) it’s quite plainly inconsiderate of them to even consider reporting you to the authorities, Daddy” I can tell you, that wasn’t nice to hear and my first reaction what that I was going to hire a hitman and get these rival blog members taken out in a really brutal manner. This is my livelyhood and I’m in the shit big time if this goes under as I’ve never done a proper day’s work in my life. Please send me money, please please please.
Do I pack it all in? We could have sold up for billions in the dotcom boom, you know. I’m too modest to mention it but Al Capone, Tony Soprano and the Kray Twins were all interested in being partners in DME. I said to them that it’s only a hobby and we want to serve my dear, devoted DME family. We did that for all of you. Send me money, please.
Instead I took all the money you sent me and bought a second hand Merc and put a down payment on a semi-detached property in the North East of England. Yeh, I hit the big time and those rival bloggers don’t like it. I’m absolutely minted but I need more money so keep sending it in. Sorry, I’m not absolutely minted, I meant I’m secure. Not minted, that sounds a bit arrogant and I want you to send me money. I don’t know why I bother, DME costs me money so I need some contributions.
The reason DME continues is that I love what we do. It’s supposed to be fun and it is to me. You probably wouldn’t know yourselves, but taking all that cash from my PO Box is absolute heaven. I don’t pay a penny of tax on it either. Well, I might have to now. I love taking my £30 donations, sometimes I spend time through the day copying Boutros news from credible websites and rewording it into a sub-tabloid newspaper style and posting it on the blog. Most of the time I just stay in bed and get my step brother to write a load of comments on the blog saying I’m great. It gives me great satisfaction, I can tell you. We love it, I do.
On the rival blogs you read all this truth about me but I’ll respond in my latest Hollywood thriller which should be in the cinemas later in year. I was in talks with Tom Cruise but I’ve decided to play myself. Scarlett Johansson will play the part of Madonna and I’m currently in talks with Clint Eastwood to play Boutros Boutros-Ghali. Rival bloggers have been slating me for the delay in this film but they don’t realise how little free time I have, the bullshit doesn’t write itself you know. So I don’t get paid, it’s all doom and gloom, what a hero? No, not at all. There’s no wage but there’s money in the kity, yeh. I’ll treat meself or me granny. I’m a real family man. I also have my wonderful DME family to provide for. Isn’t it rather sad I have to justify this? Most conmen get away with it for years but I’m in serious trouble here.
I thought by using a PO Box that I’d never be found. Damn the Royal Mail for just giving the real address out to anyone who asks. Can you believe it? How can an internet conman make his money if all and sundry can just find his home address out then report him to the authorities?
So do I pack it in? I’ve thought it about it every day since the rival blogs took off and I began looking like a total fool. But I’ve always plodded on regardless of what anyone says, it’s part of the personality disorder apparently. I’ll keep conning until they lock me up, I can tell you. I’ve just had a bid accepted on the property overlooking the hanging gardens of Babylon (to the South) and the Great Pyramid at Giza (to the North) and it will be mine within a few months if you keep sending the donations in. The benefits for this will be amazing for the blog but more importantly to the benefit of my bank balance.
Did I need to buy that property? No. Did I need to camp like a tramp outside the UN building in New York for a few days? No. Boutros wasn’t there so it was a complete waste of time. Even my attempts to ask UN representatives for a few words to prove I was there looked totally limpid. It was a complete waste of money but I did it all for you. In fact, if you want the most grim youtube videos available then subscribe to the Gold Blog 2.0. On the other hand you can just get the shite for free with a quick search.
I could work 9-5 at McDonalds and I’d easily get my five stars as I’d be the best burger flipper in world by far. I never sleep, I’m moderating the comments on this blog 24/7, on the lookout for any truths that some law-abiding numpties might post on YOUR blog. Don’t forget it’s YOUR blog, send some wad in for the upkeep.
If people chose to use other rival blogs, well, so what? It’s not school is it? Why the drama? Why not just go? I’ll tell you why, this is blog is supported by ads and it’s buggering up my income stream. If someone is cretinous enough to leave the No 1 VIP Boutros Blog on the internet then so be it. I don’t care, I just want the donators who hang on my every word and pay up on a regular basis.
These rival blogs can keep pranking us and pointing out the truth but they wont make a decision on whether I pack it in. I reckon that will be the Inland Revenue, Customs and Excise or various copyright holders that I’ve abused over the years. If we feel there’s support for this blog then I’ll just plod on. I could have packed it all in at the height of the dotcom boom, you know. Dame Judi Dench, Dame Heather McCartney and Dame Edna Everage all pencilled-in bids. I could have retired but we’re doing this all for you. If I feel we’ve lost it then I/we will just pack it all in. It’s no big deal, I’m absolutely minted. We won’t cry about it, I’ll just chill out for a bit. It’s your site, it’s your call. This site is costing me money, I’m skint, so please send me donations.
People have to remember that this is a Boutros fans’ site. The contacts and friends I’ve made is mind boggling. His name was Ruff. It’s been a monumental exaggeration. I could name sources (the janitor), positions (third floor) but they’d lose their jobs. And more importantly I’d lose my sources. Hang on, I don’t actually have any sources. Scrub that.
We don’t have the resources of the big media organisations but look at our set-up?
Not bad is it, considering?
We do what I can. Most things, the UN try to stop. They tried to stop us taking pictures of the UN building and publishing blueprints on the internet. They’ve tried to stop me sellling fake Boutros suits to gullible overseas readers (that saved them a few quid but more importantly made me an absolute packet, I don’t do anything if there isn’t a few quid in it). I offered free postage on the suits as well. In fact, sometimes I didn’t bother posting them at all. I did it all for my dear, devoted DME family of readers and preferably paying donators. That’s the kinda guy I am. I do it all for you paying subscribers.
So there you have it. Membership of the Gold Blog 2.0 is voluntary. Nobody makes you be there. I try my best to make you with endless bullshit sob-stories like this and lists of pathetic reasons why you should fork out cash for stuff you can get free elsewhere. I don’t want to lose any gullible people who pay me money we just want these people who tell the truth out. That doesn’t mean people who are on the Gold Blog 2.0 are gullible, oh no. They are part of the DME family. It just means the people who have left are friends of the truth tellers and don’t like me for the absolute bullshit I spawn on a daily basis.
Nobody gets banned by me, they ban themselves. Usually we disable their account and then threaten to send a hitman around to rough them up a bit. If they put up a fight then I guess they banned themselves. Simple really, get shot or banned. If they pwomise to abide by my rules and never question me again, pwomise to pay me money on a regular basis or if they are educated enough like me (I’m a Professor but don’t like to mention it) then I might let them back in. For this reason you’ll understand why I moderate the forums like we do.
You’ll hear them cry “If you disagree with Duncan Mitty, he bans you”. Oh puuuuurlease, sheesh, yeh, everyone disagrees with me. I know nothing. I’m a numpty. I’d be here alone if it were true. Oh. Erm. Hang on.
The complete ******* of ***** rival bloggers and legions of banned former members ( the ******* c**ts) of this blog just can’t handle it. They say how terrible I am yet devote their lives to correcting my bullshit. They should devote their lives to conning gullible teenage Boutros fans and overseas based Boutros fans like me. You can tell which are the decent rival blogs as they don’t have DME in the title. Do you ever see me slating the ***cking ***ts on the rival blogs? No.
Part Two tomorrow
Posted by duncanmitty 
