Trillions of new members have subscribed to the Gold Blog 2.0 in the past 24 hours. To help new members understand some of the writing on the blog I thought I’d publish a new and revised OFFICIAL! EXCLUSIVE! Dunctionary.
As I’m a highly educated man and you plebs are likely to be numpties, see below for explanations of key words used by us here in the HQ. Please note that some of the entries in the Dunctionary may differ slightly from the standard English.
This is just a brief snippet of OED V1.0, subscribe to the Gold Blog 2.0 for the later versions which are pencilled-in for release at some point in the future. 99.9% of subscribers are happy with the EXCLUSIVE! Gold Blog 2.0 services including the:
OFFICAL! EXCLUSIVE! Dunctionary V1.0
99.9%
adj.
Zero. Nothing. ‘99.9% of what I write is true’
banned
v.
To have seen through the bullshit. ‘He was banned‘
banned former members
gibberish.
Meaningless phrase. q.v. former banned members.
banned themselves
v.
To post the truth on a blog. ‘I never banned anyone, they banned themselves‘
blistering
adj.
Very slow. ‘Blistering fast server’
Boutros
n.
A suit who had something or other to do with the UN.
brenda
n.
She who annoys other blog users. ‘She thinks she’s a respected internet celebrity but in reality she’s a right brenda.’
‘Well, she’s been registered for 2 days, she’s posted 180 messages of annoying, out of context drivel and vitriol, it must be brenda with an anonymous proxy, again’
q.v. twat
bullshit
n.
Written word of Duncan Mitty to be found on the Gold Blog 2.0. q.v. news articles.
busy
adj.
Inactive. ‘Things are really busy at the HQ, I’ve been sorting through my sock drawer’
claim
tr. v.
To state as if to be true yet in reality is total bullshit. ‘My sources claim that Boutros will be at my house for tea tonight. Get some extra KFC in, mam.’
contact
n.
Make-believe character. ‘The friends and contacts we’ve made is mind-boggling’ q.v. source
Cropper
n.
Fictional character, possibly intended to be a hitman or one of the feds.
Disco
n.
Example of a sockpuppet.
DJ_Sydney
v.
To post an alarming amount of Gold Blog comments with little real value. ‘He really DJ_Sydneys that blog, it would be so much better without him.’
donation
n.
Payment for services but not declared to the Inland Revenue as income.
EXCLUSIVE
adj.
1. Reworded news articles available, on average, about 2 days later than free blogs. ‘EXCLUSIVE - Boutros Boutros-Ghali no longer UN Secretary General’
2. Nonexistent. ‘EXCLUSIVE competitions’
family
n.
1. Those ripe for exploitation in sob stories.
2. Those who pay donations.
feds
n.
Tax collectors. UN security. Police. Trading standards officers. Copyright holders.
feedback
n.
Make-believe positive comments, purported to be from real subscribers. q.v. negative feedback
former banned members
gibberish.
Meaningless phrase. q.v. banned former members.
FREE
adj.
Available to subscribers only. ‘FREE access to subscription services’
friend
n.
Mystical beast.
FULL ACCESS
n.
Extra bullshit given to those who pay donations. ‘FULL ACCESS to accessible services’
gateman
n.
A fictional character who stands as a lone sentinel at the entrance of the UN building, purported to be an insider.
get-out-clause
Clause added to news article to allow retraction at a later date while attempting to save face. q.v. pencilled-in, at some point in the future, likely.
Gold Blog 2.0
n.
Collection of bullshit.
guaranteed
tr. v.
To make certain not to happen. ‘Dob me in to the authorities any more and you’ll be pushing up daisies, guaranteed‘
hitter
n.
Moderator with a gun. Used to threaten banned former members and rival blog members.
hitman
n.
q.v. hitter.
HQ
n.
Portakabin. Shed.
independent
adj.
Shite. Full of bullshit. ‘DME is an independent / unofficial Boutros Boutros-Ghali blog.’
insider
n.
A fictional character who knows important information. q.v. source.
joke
n.
A belated version of a get-out-clause, generally used after donations are received. ‘Boutros wasn’t really at my house for tea, it was all a joke. I finished off that packet of Digestives myself.’
likely
adv.
Extremely unlikely. Used in a news article. ‘Insider sources tell me Boutros is likely to be at my house for tea tonight, I have something he wants.’
Lotto
n.
Mystical device for enticing users in paying donations.
moderator
n.
Person who makes threatening calls to subscribers who banned themselves.
national media
n.
Sky Sports News, online newspapers. ‘Sources in the national media tell me that Boutros will be at my house for tea tonight. Make some more sticky toffee pudding, mam.’
negative feedback
n.
Deleted blog comments from real subscribers. q.v. feedback
news article
n.
1. Copied and/or reworded article from a reputable and/or copyrighted blog or national media.
2. Fabricated text to entice users to subscribe to the Gold Blog 2.0. q.v. bullshit.
numpty
n.
Anyone who exposes bullshit or disagrees with me. A person likely to be or who has been banned.
OFFICIAL
adj.
Worthless. Not famous. Laughable. ‘Boutros Boutros-Ghali – OFFICIAL DME Gold Blog 2.0‘
painter
n.
A fictional character with a paintbrush and tin of Dulux who works at the UN building, purported to be an insider.
pencilled in
phrasal verb.
Example of get-out-clause. ‘Boutros is pencilled in to come to my house for tea tonight, buy an extra Battenburg cake’
reword
v.
To write a news article.
rival blogs
n.
Blogs of a superior nature. Blogs which expose bullshit.
secret links
n.
Freely available with a google search. ‘Secret links to FREE online audio commentary of Boutros press conferences when available‘
sob stories
n.
Bizarre news articles lacking coherence and used to garner sympathy and, in particular, donations.
sockpuppet
n.
A make-believe character on the Gold Blog 2.0 or other blogs created to promote DME. q.v. Disco
at some point in the future
phrase.
Example of get-out-clause. ‘Boutros will visit my house for tea at some point in the future. Pop down to the shop and get some extra Custard Creams, mam’
snippet
n.
A brief selection of prime bullshit to entice users into subscribing to the Gold Blog 2.0.
source
n.
A fictional character. q.v. insider.
spam
v.
Imaginary writing of emails by rival blog members to blog members.
split-arse
n.
A person of the female persuasion.
subscribers
n.
Those who pay donations. q.v. numpty
suit
n.
Person in authority. Person who who a blog owner is envious of.
support
n.
Persons who answer premium rate telephone numbers. Persons who ignore emails.
tax
n.
Mystical concept.
through the roof
adj.
Almost nonexistent. ‘We’ve had our best ever summer, subscriptions are through the roof’.
truth
n.
Mystical statements to be found on rival blogs.
understands
v.
To knowingly bullshit. ‘DME understands Boutros will be at my house for tea tonight, mam will be deep frying extra Mars Bars’
UNLIMITED
adj.
When we can be arsed. ‘FREE UNLIMITED major Boutros news alerts delivered by SMS worldwide’
UNOFFICIAL
adj.
Shite. Full of reworded news articles. ‘DME is an independent / UNOFFICIAL Boutros Boutros-Ghali blog.’
VIP
n.
Person who believes bullshit and pays a donation.
we
pronoun.
Used by an editor instead of I to convey the impression that a blog isn’t run by a solitary man from a Portakabin in Wallsend.
when available
adj.
q.v. get-out-clause. ‘EXCLUSIVE FREE trips to the Moon, when available‘
write
v.
To copy from another website.
yeh
adv.
Not only, but also.
