A Veiled Fret
John Simpson of the BBC gave me a tip recently when, over tea at me mams (tinned peaches and evap for afters, yum), he was telling me how he managed to wander around deepest Afghanistan without being noticed. We had deep fried battered snickers bars with loads of ketchup for the main course, thanks mam.
So I’ve decided I’m donning a Burqa just like John. I got a great deal where I buy two burqas and get a discount or £85,000. I really wanted a green (I usually hate my greens as they have no fat in them but I thought I’d start being healthy) one but would have to wait until April and I want to crack on and leave the house occasionally without fear of being noticed.
Look, former banned members and banned former members (the sad ******), I’m not hiding my morbidly obese body in some sort of bizarre self-delusional episode, I’m doing this so I can wander around deepest Wallsend without being noticed by the feds or ex-DME subscribers. I’m leaving my bloated fingers and chubby cheeks on show, that proves I’m not crippled by a sense of self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy perpetuated by a domineering mother since my wife left me. I’m not paranoid either.
They’re all talking about me and my CCJs on rival blogs but I wont give them the oxygen of publicity. I’ve always said I’ll never comment on rival blogs and that’s what I intend to do until the next time I comment on them. This blog has had an internet presence since 1972 and I’ve seen it all before mate. Nothing to worry about mate. I’m fucked mate. Anyway, I don’t know that my intake of carrot juice has to do with them. I never drink the stuff. I like a new brew of hydrogenated fat with two tablespoons of lard to thicken it up a bit.
New Plans
You’ll see me on the latest episodes of The Strife And Crimes Of Duncan Mitty (I don’t know why I bother, oh give over, really I don’t) on MiTV 393W 12272GHz beamed down direct from our studio on Ganymede, orbiting Jupiter 7.15/7 FREE FOR PAYING MEMBERS. I hope to open a FREE TV 24/7 station from Callisto before the latest UN season is over but it requires some negotiations with my sources at NASA to calculate an acceptable launch window. This shouldn’t be a problem as I’ve helped the JPL out many a time in the past when they get a bit stuck with some calculations. Bless them, they struggle a bit but it’s not rocket science. I’m training up K3V in case I’m not available to help them in the future. He’s already mastered Dr Seuss so technical theory on ion propulsion shouldn’t be much of a step up.
More New Plans
We’ll soon be launching a mini-blog that will report on the servicing of Boutros’s Hindustan Ambassador car. Sources tell me it’s due for an oil change in the near future (more on the Gold Blog 2.0) and K3V will be outside the garage so we can rip the photos off another blog, paste DME into the corner and palm them off as our own at the earliest opportunity.
Even More New Plans
I’m buying a second DMEMobile (see past articles) which will be an exact duplicate of the original with the latest in mattress and microwave technology but might somehow convince someone to subscribe to the Blog 2.0. Even I find this scenario far-fetched but I’ve claimed this sort of bullshit works in the past so I can’t change my tack now or I might look a bit silly.
Boutros News
Things have been quiet on the Boutros front as of late. My sources tell me the last coat of paint on the UN building is being completed but I have plenty of other sources working on other aspects of the building ready to pass on juicy information. I like to throw in the odd lie I’ve made up myself, that’s what I’m best at, so things should be normal soon. It’s not really lying, I like to goad rival blogs and member former banneds of this blogs as an excuse as to why I’m making this shit up. There is some sort of perverse logic in there somewhere but your average 5 year old would probably see that I’m a sad conman with no discernable skills. Sometimes I’m glad I don’t type what I’m thinking.
Remember rival blog children and mature-die-hard-non-gullible-non-teenage-intelligent people, speak to my obese cholesterol filled hand cos the ugly big fat fucking Jabba face aint listening. I’ve been ruining this site for 10 years, mate. Seen it all before, mate. I’m fucked.
Also remember, this blog is moderated 24/7 by Derek the hitman and me pretending to be various administrators (unless I’m having a piss) (or I forget to log out of the account I think I’m in but don’t realise it’s the wrong one)
Look, children. If you’ve got a problem, just write to the DME legal team, don’t go giving details of my family like daughter Jordan aged 13 or son Peter-Andre aged 2 on the internet. I don’t want people to know their names or that of my mother, Derekanna aged 58 either. Family should never be brought into these sort of childish games.
Signup for the Gold Blog 2.0, a load of fun-packed addictive informative shat.
“Look after number one, that’s what I always do” – Duncan Mitty 2006
