I don’t know why I bother, I’m in a right state this morning, yeh.
My horse, Nobby, is figthing for his life at a local vet’s surgery 
There was a bizarre accident at DME HQ where I got my bloated head stuck up Nobby’s arse while looking for my contact lens. I managed to break free after a few hours but Nobby’s sphincter was the size of the Mersey Tunnel afterwards.
As we were taking Nobby to the ambulance on a strectcher, Pickfords, who were delivering my new grand piano, managed to drop it from the 7th floor window directly on to him. We cleared the debris, strapped him up and carried on.
To make matters even worse, K3V, who was parachute jumping while holding an anvil and a medicine ball, managed to crash through the roof of the ambulance as we pulled away causing no end of damage to poor old Nobby.
We extracted the anvil and struggled on. As were were driving to the surgery we managed to crash into a wall. Local kids (the sad *******) had painted a fake tunnel entrance on it which looked real until we ploughed into it at 70mph with all the lights flashing and everything.
Stunned, we managed to prise Nobby away from the dashboard and clear the bricks from the interior. After that we got moving again only for all four wheels to simultaneously fall off followed by an explosion in the engine bay which caused all the doors to blow off and Nobby’s eyebrows to be singed irreparably.
Little did we know at the time, the explosion had dislodged a 4 billion ton boulder from the local mountain range which was rolling down the road at breakneck speed and promptly squashed poor Nobby as flat as a Panasonic 42″ Plasma telly (I should know, I have 17 of them) in front of our eyes.
We pushed the boulder off Nobby, scraped him back onto the stretcher and hailed a taxi to take us the rest of the way. As we rushed into the surgery foyer, all of Nobby’s teeth were knocked out by an ironing board that some idiot had left hanging out from the wall.
He was then dropped down a laundry chute by accident after someone had swapped the theatre and laundry signs. This incident was made even worse by the fact he dropped into an open sewer manhole cover in the basement and was washed out to sea.
He was then caught in the propellers of a local trawler which threw his battered body onto the beach where we later found him and took him to the vet again.
Needless to say, plans for the second DMEmobile have been put on hold until all this gets sorted out.
The good news is that I found my contact lens, it was in my eye all the time, lol.
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